UppieDate

Autobio

2011-03-24T04:01:00.000-07:00

Greetings to you all.... It's been almost nine years since I first logged on and I am still grateful to that 21 year old girl from new York city who I first added to my friends list... (by mistake) who took the time to give a basic heads up about how the net worked and sent me in the direction of the Sanctuary... Susie's and eventually the Bootery... and promptly dumped me... most of you have been with me from the beginning.... I sort of sleazed onto you one by one with promises of sweet nothings... and nothings is what most of you have got... what I find amusing is that most of us are aging... well yes we are all aging but some of us are younger and are at different stages... we who are heading fifty plus are moving into the downhill side of life.. where the kids have grown and left home our sexual and life energies are depleted and we face a whole host of health problems as we rapidly decay... as for me I find this stage liberating because I do what and when I like... (only if Kiri lets me)... I do not feel the need to for fill others expectations of me (that includes my children's)... and I no longer feel the need to be attractive... ( if I ever fekkin was)... ( do not hesitate ladies to provide reassurance)... if only I could soften my cynical nature because it is tending to dominate my personality... to my detriment... I have never played the games that life demands of us... though I have tried to smile and nod at the right times just to keep people happy... parents, teachers, employers and the like... but now I just can't bite my tongue and I let them have it... a wanker is a wanker not matter how they are dressed or who they are... and bullshit is bullshit period...

On the physical we have had and earthquake and yes people have died.. but when you look over to Japan... well dam they know how to have a quake.... on the cynical side... the government in Japan is deliberately starving the people close to the reactor of petrol so that they cannot escape... it makes sense from a logistical point of view how could they deal with a million or so people all deciding to get in their cars and drive to Tokyo... however take note... your government expects you to stay put and die quietly... and do not think that the New Zealand, American or Canadian Government would react any better... Katrina anyone...

Thats all for now... as a last aside the Mother in laws cancer seems to be in remission at the moment... I was talking to her last night about it... and I did say make the most of the lull because she is starting to wonder if she even has it at all her health has been so good lately... the best thing is she has been gambling and winning... we gave her a golden Chinese cat with a waving paw and some Chinese writing on it... it's sposed to bring luck and I think it is...... I might send you a photo of it...

Last blonde Triplet daughter is going on holiday to China with her Chinese boyfriend... his parents have a house there... they are visiting Malaysia, Indonesia, Hong Kong, Macau and mainland China... lucky cow.... I wish I could relive my dissolute life but sadly this is it for me and also for you lot....

Good Night and Good Motoring..

us

2010-11-08T13:41:00.000-08:00

Good evening... soon to be morning for me at least... as it is now 11.50... There is a young girl at work who is pregnant... well not that young... I must ask her her age... you know the type though... she is an HR Manager rather good looking in an odd sort of way... and has the management personality... young confident good looking and successful...

As is my wont I have been teasing her about it... and I made the comment that her pregnancy had changed her relationship with her husband... she asked me in what way... it got me thinking about it... relationships I mean... the thing about children is that ... yes they change your relationships with your partner your parents your other children... but most of all it changes your relationship with yourself... which got me thinking about all the other things that happen the death of parents the success or failure of work or marriage... the thing is life is all about relationships but the one you have with yourself is the most interesting and the one we work at the least... in fact we subsume the one we have with ourselves in deference to the relationships we have with others... no answers here I'm afraid... my message today is think about how you interact with yourself more specifically ego to id... there has to be a balance somewhere... I am convinced that achieving that balance between ego and id is the key to happiness...

oh and big breasts help also...

uppie rant

2010-11-08T13:39:00.000-08:00

A lot of us here are sick of the Blobbit…. Even though I live in Matamata which is the home of Blobbiton… and we have a statue of Gollum in the middle of town… that every time I go past it, has people in front of it getting their photo taken… and we have bus tours out to the movie set… I say fuck Warner’s and fuck Peter Jackson take your movie to China and hire yourself a whole lot of slit eyed Blobbits and make your movie there on the cheap… I know we are all Mexicans with cell phones here but if we Kow Tow to every black mailing pirate corporation that wants more money and law changes to do business here.. Then we might as well be serfs doffing our caps to the master every time he spits in our face… Rant over…

Normal Viewing

2010-10-14T18:14:00.000-07:00

Good morning people... men women and children... yes shrimp to the rest of us you are still a child no matter how big bootsy you are feeling... It's three thirty five in the morning and I have been awake since eleven last night... I've given up on sleeping... and am now waiting to go to work... for all my Australian viewers I watched the Silver Ferns kick Aussie ass last night at the common wealth games... well they did not really kick that much ass just hung on for grim death and got lucky at the end... I know you guys just hate coming second but you gotta get your girls not show so much sour grapes when they are getting silvered it gives us so much satisfaction...

Now theres something for all of us ex British Empire people to think about we are all part of the Common Wealth who the fek decided to call it that... I'd much prefer to be part of an Empire with a death star than wimp about in a ... Common.... what common and wealth??? what wealth I thought the poms sucked us dry and dumped us when the going got tough... never mind better than being ruled by the French or the Germans... imagine if we had had to fight for the Nazis in world war two...

Hmmm lemme think... anything else running through what I call a brain... it is interesting that what goes on in America is of interest to me ... I'm talkin politics and money here people... cause I do not give a fuck about Russia... though China is interesting... by god they are smart little bastards... they have a housing bubble just like the rest of us... yanno what they did ... OK yea their houses are like only worth .50 cents each but hey their prices rose by 68% last year... now thats what I call a capital gain... anyway what they did to sort it out... first house buyer no change to the rules... wanna second house by the beach maybe? better have some cash baby as you need a 40% deposit as for that third house and any more you speculating assholes might want... you better be real rich cause there is no finance for a third house... cash up front... this was done by decree overnight... no congress and senate to cajole and bribe just a President with a big fat pen.... the interesting effect of this is...

1. The cash value of a house equals the value it represents as a desirable place to live..

2. The market is not distorted by speculators chasing a capital gain...

3. The money that the speculators were consuming ie forcing up interest rates... now has to seek a new home (excuse the pun) in other words... "hey you first home buyers have I got a deal for you I got plenty of money and it's cheap"

Well America the Chinese are coming and the only way to stop them is to Nuke them... sadly you guys might just have enough religious kooks to do the job.... by the way go easy on your President you tie his hands behind his back, leg trip him every chance you get and then expect a miracle cure... you should do that to your bankers and things might come right... look to China...

sorry for politics and religion but hell what else is there... Paris Hilton

Who me?

2010-10-14T18:13:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking… I wish I wouldn’t… or in fact couldn’t… its been the bane of my life… I would like to let you know a little bit of myself… not too much dammit… I do not know that much about myself… ask my wife she seems to know me better…

However… I know this… I am not a social person I like being alone or in a crowd… funnily enough you can be just as solitary in a crowd… small gatherings are just torture… I either avoid, leave or go to sleep…. I have lived my life in the third person… feeling the emotion but not being the emotion… I have no interest in small talk or gossip I like to make meaningful connections with people… that go beyond the trivia…

I once met a woman… I was I suppose in my early twenties we interacted for about an hour and a half… I cannot remember what she looked like.. slender… medium length straight hair I never learned her name… when we parted she grabbed me by the shoulders drew me to her and kissed me warmly and generously on the mouth… if I had any brains I should have got her name and number and … and what… the point is there was a connection I felt it as did she and I will remember her warmly for the rest of my life…

I have carved out a niche in which I live my life emotionally, spiritually and physically… it’s not all I could have or would have… but I like it and it is comfortable…

All of you at the other end of this stuff the connections I have had with you are meaningful and valued…

Sorry to interrupt your viewing… normal transmission will recommence shortly..

me

2010-09-29T20:40:00.000-07:00

Fans and assorted acolytes… I am settling into my work routine here after various dust ups… but then dust ups are just part of who I am… I have worked out after many years that even though I am mostly chicken shit…. I am what is known as a risk taker… as opposed to someone who never risks… that means I have a propensity to do stuff that could damage me…thank god I mostly do not get caught... as for the home front well the ML (mother in law) continues to tick along… though last night she hit the morphine hard took about three doses going from the syrup to the heavy duty pills… I leave for work before she is up and about so I do not know how she is this morning… but I would guess not good….

As for the good stuff… well … after many years I have bought my new chainsaw… it’s a 660 Stihl… this is the Rolls Royce of chainsaws and is what is known as a bush saw… all the forestry crews use this type… there is only one saw bigger in the range and that is an 880… I had it fitted with a 30 inch bar… as all women know there is nothing more useful than a big bar…… what this means is that I can now slice and dice big trees… two of which I have down at the moment waiting to be cut…

Now that is a good story… I was sitting in the bath (at home) doing bathy things… next thing I hear the crack, crack, crack of a big tree getting ready to fall… trust me I know this sound… it was so loud and close that I assumed it was one of the three big Lawson trees behind the house… and consequently within striking range of the bathroom and the bath tub…. It was too late to do anything… and anyway the choice was to run around the house naked or to die where I sat… being chicken shit I chose inaction and to cringe with every part of my body… trust me it felt safer… there was a humungous crunching crash and I went from concern for myself to concern for the cars parked out the back… on investigation I discovered that the 100 year old granddaddy pine 25 metres from the back door of the house was down… the noise was so loud neighbours from half a mile away came to see what had happened… the good thing is that I now have five years of firewood delivered almost into the fireplace and a big bar saw to deal to it… it’s all very male and manly…

I remain old and tired Uppie The Tasteless

Uppiebleepdate

2010-09-23T15:36:00.000-07:00

It's 2 fifteen in the morning here and it has taken me 20 minutes to to get to this page.... and you wonder why I never play silly facebook games and all the other online detritus...

Whine whine... dial up... whine grizzle... broad band etc... thats better and anyway you have heard it all before... lets get to the main event... it may be too late for all you old bags out there... no I did not call you an old bag... if you feel insulted it's because you have put yourself in that category... I just elucidated it... fek knows if that words quite right ... but hell... call me Sarah Palin and run me for President...

As I said old bags ... nada... but for a young thing like Shrimp this may be useful...

Kissing and Cuddling... yes girls thats the subject... the standard whine is... "you never kiss and cuddle me" followed by "You only kiss and cuddle me when want a f..." I did write the word but it made me cringe must be getting prissy in my dotage...

let me tell you the facts around this male female miss communication... the reason we do not kiss and cuddle is because once a woman reaches a certain age (read old bag here)... and she sidles up to you all slinky like... and as soon as you feel that warm soft skin and get a whiff of that feminine scent behind her ears and theres that firm pressure of her other assets through her clothing... its a natural thing start sliding your hand down to where the sun don't shine... well the thighs close like a vice and you get the second line that I quoted above...

Now girls... listen good.. its not that we don't want too (kiss and cuddle)... but there lies the path to sexual frustration.. best to not go there... saves grief and as for the second line...it's not that we do it because we want to bleep you... wanting to bleep is a natural result for the male of the kiss and cuddle... Shrimp I hope this is of assistance to you in the 10 or so years of sexual activity you have left... oh yes shrimp it does run out and sooner than you will expect... as for the rest of you in the immortal words of Tosh.O...

Na na a boo boo stick your head in Doo Doo

Uppiedate

2010-09-13T22:06:00.000-07:00

Sorry to be in your mailbox so soon.... just a word on the reason I write this stuff... I write it to amuse myself hopefully it amuses you'all ... if not you should know how to block and delete... I do not expect replies... though to those of you that do... thanks I like it...

The reason you are on the list is because at some point in the last eight years you have amused me and I have enjoyed your personalities and attitudes.... especially those of you from the bootery... they were good days...

I absolutely hate facebook... I only really keep it because the kids are on there... do not be suprised if I get pissed and dump it...

last thing I have been away so long that I am still getting to grips with windows live if I make any mistakes please do not yell...

Cheers

THE EARTHQUAKE

2010-09-12T09:38:00.000-07:00

Dammit ya'll ... I essay and exposay the minuet e of my pathetic life and all I get back is your concerns about the earthquake... let me remind you that the subject of the previous Uppiedate was "ME (of course)" It's by me about me and funnily enough FOR me... I do not even let family read this stuff...

Ok lets do the wrap on the quake... New Zealand is situated on, and I say right on the edge of the Pacific and Australasian tectonic plates... in fact the line of force or the "crack" for you ignorant fekkers neatly divides both Islands right up the middle... creating a string of dormant, inactive and active volcano's.... what this means is we get heaps of earth quakes of all sizes hence the nick name for the land of my birth "The Shaky Isles" ... I have experienced a few... mostly they give you a jolt and a laugh ... there have been a couple where I have been thinking... "If this does not stop soon I'm gunna get outa bed and do something" I do not know the hell what.. but maybe it is better to die running in panic than just lying there thinking about running in panic... anyway have not got out of bed yet... as for the Christchurch one it was a "get outa bed and run" quake... it was the same magnitude and proximity to life as the Haiti quake but you will notice it did not kill anyone... more luck than anything... but as I have lectured you people we are one lucky country... we have building standards etc which protect us... yes our local media are talking up the damage but quite frankly a few buildings fell down... only the old ones... and if your house happened to straddle the fault line it got split in two... the rest of us are fine and anyway it gives the government an excuse to spend money on real peoples physical needs instead of giving money to rich people who invested unwisely... (had to get that plug in there)

The real interesting thing is that we have a caldera... thats the big hole a volcano leaves when it explodes... called Lake Taupo... thats the water that filled it... that has erupted 29 times in the last 28,000 years... about every 700 years... the last time it went bang was 1700 years ago... even the Chinese noticed the glow in the sky and recorded it... (their civilization is way longer than ours) .. so it is overdue for it's next one...I think I live far enough away to avoid instant death.. but I am probably close enough to be pissed off by the ash cloud...

Fluffy as for the Financial stuff... do not get me started...

Diego... you are special.. you are one of the few male contacts I have that talks to me I appreciate that and enjoy your personality..

On that note I have pissed off most of the girls as well...

I remain seriously arrogant.... old bitter and unrepentant...

Uppie the faithless

me of course

2010-09-10T19:55:00.000-07:00

Good morning to all of you... I hate to whine but feel I must... I started this... hang on this color is not right... snicker remember Uppie orange... OK I started this Uppiedate thing to amuse and inform a large group of people... this was obviously prior to facebook... if I had had any techo brains I could of invented facebook and made some money... never mind... Diego commented the other day that he missed my cynical asshole sense of humor... he is right ... sadly Diego after eight years of this online stuff I only have cynical left... I keep getting the urge to wipe my Facebook account and one day will... as I feel it does not provide me with the conversational outlet that I enjoy... as many of you keep telling me that you enjoy or should I say used to enjoy my ramblings... (if you really do .. good... if you are just humoring me.. please continue to do so)... I feel it is my duty (neigh as in horse) my religious obligation to continue the assault...

It's three in the morning here and I have been up since midnight keeping the mother in law company... as you know she is end lifing so to speak and though in a good patch as compared to a month ago... has been hitting the morphine over the last couple of days... there are two aspects to looking after her... the physical is not to bad... some times an effort but not really a burden for as a family we share it out... the other side is the emotional... her realization that her time on earth is limited and that with her illness and age things are not going to be pleasant... brings out emotions in all of us that are.. given the situation some times helpful but often not... so when your boss tells you that you and your fellow workers are a "team" and that you are all on a "journey" together... tell him to fuck off as he will be some single poser who does not know what team, journey or even together actually mean... did I mention I have lost my sense of humor... anyway it's good that mummy in law has a sense of humor... though even that fails her at times... as when you are really sick nothing really helps...

Subject three... the world financial situation... alright close your collective mouths people... for many years I have made a point of studying economics... not just the business side of reports, performance, markets etc... but the psychology of money and behaviors... it's a fascinating subject and very broad... if you want a good book try anything by Joseph Stiglitz (I love how Jews have those cute little Z'ds in their names)... I had an accountant tell me once many years ago that he would never invest money in the share market as it was run by crooks and thieves... at the time I thought he was a little bit strong on it... shows how much I knew... I thought that the Enron's etc were aberrations as all walks of life have their criminal elements... however again shows you how much I know... The one thing I have learned is that the rich and powerful make their living by sucking the life out of the rest of us... and thats fine because we let them do it and deserve what we get... no... the worst thing arising from the current financial morass is that the rich and powerful now know that there are no limits as to what they can do to us... they gambled away our life savings our job security and our faith in the financial system... then when they ran out of money ... the politicians that they have in their pockets told them... "never mind... we will replace all the money you have lost and tax your original victims to recoup our costs" ... hmmm I feel I'm paying twice here... at least Al Capone was an honest bastard...

obviously the situation is way more complicated than that... and I will cease to bore you anymore...

I will always remain

Uppie the Faithless (retired)

and looking for my sense of humor

by the way Fiend tell me about your new woman..

Shrimp greetings to you..

Fluffy you promised me email traffic... (insert growly face with a wink) I could never be mad at you..

Yes Uppie, your blog is still being uppiedated

2010-07-23T17:43:00.000-07:00

First up... sorry about the hack job on my account I spose they target inactive accounts as that then gives them time to utilize them without being detected... I seem to have it under control now... I have trimmed down my Uppiedate list mainly because ... well hell I'm sort of battening down the hatches, so to speak, on who I am...

The Mother in-law thing means I have house fulls of visitors and am cooking and cleaning for the many... not a bad thing as it gives you a reason for breathing...

As for her condition... she got really bad, so bad in fact that you check to see if she is breathing every hour or so... well we got the doctor out to check her and he took blood for testing ... within half an hour of him getting the results back the ambulance arrived and we were off to the hospital... she was in for about five days and they gave her a blood transfusion... sort of like a grease and oil for the body... four bags of blood one of iron and numerous vitamin k injections all intravenous... The hospital service and dramas are a whole book in themselves... anyway the upshot is that it perked her up... amazing really... but it only lasts two to three weeks... she was only out a week and she got a cold which dam near killed her and we rushed her down to the local hospital to put her on the oxygen and other stuff.. they gave her an injection of morphine and that made her happy... I felt like asking for one for myself ... or better still the wife...

and and and..

I'm back to work tomorrow after five weeks off.... ahhh let me just express my anticipation and interest at this prospect or should I just cuss...

lastly.. I baby sat my eleven year old niece last night as all the rest were down at the hospital we ate chocolate and pudding and watched "the girl with the dragon tattoo" and "the time travellors wife" I do not think she liked the rape scene in tattoo... but then neither did I... I only felt a little guilty about the content... thank god travellor was easier going...

Cheers to those of you that are left... and Fiend are you still editing my blog or have you given up on me..?

FW: It's fun.‏

2009-09-13T15:12:00.001-07:00

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?	Nope ... though I have had the weird desire to have been named Adolf...
2. when was the last time you cried?	At the funeral of my nother inlaws second husband... sheeeite that weirder than the Adolf thing.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING	Thinking... thinking.... nope no thoughts at all on that one... one thought springs to mind though who does this shit...
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT?	Vagina... this is the truth... if I'm going to eat anything for lunch this would be it...
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?	Yes
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?	Hell no... I'm way to arrogant.. selfish and sleasy... I'm having enough trouble brushing my own teeth let alone being friends with myself...
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?	You think???
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS	Do I even fucking care...
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?	Yes but I no longer have the guts to do it.. I am now officially a coward.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL?	cornflakes
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?	What the heck for? I'm with you on this one mech...
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?	you definately weaken as you age... though even as skinny as I am I could always beat people way bigger than me at arm wrestling... I once beat a guy who was left handed with my left hand... that suprised me...
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM?	Ice cream IS my favourite.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?	breasts... there is only one kind of people as far as I am concerned threst are competition...
15. RED OR PINK?	Pink with a little red in it...
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?	My teeth...
17. WHat DO YOU MISS THE MOST	Smiley Lid
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?	Fuck no
19. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?	Black track pants with white stripe down the side and old fasioned knitted "nanna" slippers they are way warm and are browny speckled white
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?	there is no last I just eat and eat endlessly...
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?	The computor humming stupid
22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE?	invisible
23. FAVOURITE SMELLS?	have I mentioned vagina
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?	my new female boss.... and yes I am working on her..
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?	Hell yes mech is way cool ... a little straighty perhaps but I like her moxy... thats not slang for vagina by the way...
26. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH?	Sport is boring.. I just watch the finish...
27. HAIR COLOUR?	Mech how the hell can you have flecks of grey???
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?	No
30. FAVOURITE FOOD?	just food
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?	I like scary movies where everyone dies and the bad guy gets away... thats a happy ending for me..
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?	fifty first dates... it's lovely
33. WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?	white
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?	spring
35. HUGS OR KISSES?	as long as I get to the main event I'll tolerate both
36. FAVOURITE DESSERT?	steam pudding and custard
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?	those that love and respect me
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND	those that love and respect me
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?	Politics of the Media... Ialways wanted to know what "bullet theory" was
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?	Bugs Bunny... Tweety Bird... Daffy duck... Taz the Tazmanian Devil and Sylvester the cat... wow first time I had noticed that..
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?	The netball test between New Zealand and Austrailer fekI cannot spell Australia and fifty First dates...
42. FAVOURITE SOUND?	The Sun Shing... you never heard that??? listen closer then..
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?	The Stones... "Factory girl" with stains all down her dress
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?	Mystery Island... fek knows where it is ... thats why it's a mystery
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?	Hell yes but it's worn out
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?	Auckland New zealand
47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?	if you must please send them to dean.patterson@fonterra.com

ʇnɐdn lɐıʇuǝsǝʇuınb ǝɥʇ

2009-03-26T07:54:00.000-07:00

God dammit I log off for six months or so and MSN dump the groups... it took me about 32 attempts to get to the Bootery before I cames across the email (amongst the 188 unread) from MSN telling me of the change... please somebody send me a link to the Bootery (if the place still exists) so I can use and abuse the members as I have done so lovingly in the past...

as for an uppiedate.. well I have got really old really fast... and have lost the zest for life that provides the spark.. however that has a good as well as a bad side ... the good being that although the spark is gone I do not really care... I always wanted to be quintesential.. for your information there are only two and a half pages of Q words in the Collins Modern English Dictionary... probably because of the u after the q rule... wow Z only has half a page and X only has four words....

Xenophobia
Xmas
X-ray... and
Xylophone

I just thought you might find that interesting... I did.... back to being quinte... as I said I always wanted to be "The quintesential... " but what? I tried to be the quintesential druggie but Ivana beat me too it... the qiuntesential chat god... I had neither the stamina nore the depravity... the quintesential werid net freak... nope Fiend has that planet all to himself... the quintesential slut... I'm still working on that one... can you be celibate and qualify? So you see my problem I am just not quintesential at anything...
As for what I have been doing... well I had about 10 weeks off work and spent that time working on my house... I built a 60 square metre deck on the back of the house to party on... I never party but thats not the point... if I did I could.. when I built the deck I had to move the clothes line to move the clothes line I had to remove and stump the a hedge... after removing and stumping the hedge I had to replace it with a new fence to keep the cows out... to build the fence I had to dig up and retrench the water lines to the house to get them out of the way... it's been a busy time.. luckily the weather has been fantastic... I have just spent my first week back at work after my holiday and it has been terrible... I can't seem to enthuse... I'm even having trouble pretending to enthuse...

Ok enough already... please please gimme a link to the new Bootery or is that "ye olde" version 3... Fluffy and anyone else who wants too email me at work dean.patterson@fonterra.com as this is the only email account I use anymore... would love to hear from you Fluffy bum... and and Diego greetings.... Ivanna I was only joking about the finger and Jerks anus...

um um oh yea Maureen tweet tweet...

love to all Uppie

Uppie to the rescue!!!

2008-09-13T05:25:00.000-07:00

Good evening to all of you.. long time no bullshit... something happened the other day that was reasonably exciting... I was sitting in my hutt, as I am wont to do when working, shooting the breeze with a fellow slacker.. he was gazing dreamily out the window which is his wont...
He says... 'Hey there is this guy coming this way:
I say... 'Yea?'... with just a hint of interest... as I take a big bite of my vegemite toast and a slurp of hot tea to make it soggy..
'It must be important... he's running'... he says...
This gets my attention so I arise from my at rest position and go outside to meet the unwanted visitor...
'There is something smouldering down there'... he says...
This guy is just full of info... I raise my eyes and stare intently.. well not so much intently but with intention down to where his truck is unloading unmentionable crapp under the cover of the methane gas producing pond (the cover is there to collect the gas, the importance of this will soon become apparent)...
Yes indeed I do see a whisp of smoke?, steam? maybe coming from the covers... it's about fifty yards away...
I start to wander down there to see what is going on... after taking ten or so steps it occurs to me, as an after thought of course that maybe I should take a couple of fire extinguishers down there so I turn back to get them...
When I grab them and re emerge from the hutt I take note that there is now thick black smoke visible in the problem area...
So there I am running down the road with a fire extinguisher swinging from each arm and feeling slightly silly... as I get closer I can hear the snap crackle and pop...
The cover of the pond right where the outload pipe goes underneath it is blazing... a foot away is a large bubble of methane gas...
I no longer feel silly...
'please don't explode while I'm doing this' I sort of pray... I rip the locking pin from the extinguisher and give it the whole cannister... long after the flames have gone out... just to make sure it does not reignite...
'Thats great' I'm feeling... the fire is out.. nobody knows.. how can I go about covering this event up...
It's then that I notice the drivers mate running a water hose on his face to my left...
'Are you burnt?' I enquire with a sinking heart... I know he's burnt... oh man the shit is gunna hit the fan now...
'How bad is it?' I still have faint hope...
I notice the skin peeling off his face and hands... time for 111 or in your guys case 911... kinda spookie really...
As it turns out he is not badly burned... though he did get sacked.. it seems he sat in the gas stream which was flowing out around inload pipe and lit a ciggerette... the 'NO SMOKING METHANE GAS' sign was not noticed...
The upshot or outcome of all this was that I became a rather heroic figure (for five minutes) and they gave me a George Foreman grill as a reward...

Thank you for your attention...

I am a breeder of some renown ROFL

2008-04-13T08:24:00.001-07:00

Good morning... today I would like to opine on the "empty nest" syndrome... The disease may have somewhat maudlin effects but the symptoms are actually beneficial... as you all know I am a breeder of some renown not only by performance but also evidenced in the results visa vie multiple birth... So my nest went from full to empty literally overnight... though it did take a little bit of cruelty to stop them coming back every weekend for a visit and a bludge... I even managed to convince one boy to exile himself to Korea hopefully he will form an attachment and breed over there...
Symptoms... yes ... well... I know this will not ring a bell with any of you anti mom's and spinsters out there.... though in the house of Fluff this equates to the second coming of Christ and as for you Diego this is like a relationship that goes beyond leather and lace and fake money stuffed between a G-string and your desire... no this symptom even astounded me when I took note of it... there is a half eaten block of chocolate in the pantry... totally exposed... come on Mommies you know how we hide these things... it has been there for a week... yes astoundingly not overnight... not for a couple of days cause someone put it behind the rice... but a whole week... there is also three... yes count them... three... half eaten tubs of ice-cream in the freezer and they have been there for at least a month... partly because two of them are crappy kids flavours... but still... Last night the wife opened a packet of potato crisps and half the packet is still there this morning...
So if I want to eat potato crisps dipped in crappy kids flavoured ice-cream washed down with half a bar of stale chocolate for breakfast I can!!! Because I am empty nester.... sigh... maybe I'll just go over to Hamilton and give my daughter some money.... much more rewarding...

signing off... Uppie the Faithless... god to... nah just faithless...

inanity : noun - vapid, pointless, or fatuous character

2008-03-22T00:54:00.000-07:00

Good morning...
it's hard to know where to start... cause I do these things so infrequently now... one, I may have told you this stuff already and two, one whine is being a bore but whining twice over the same subject is unforgivable and three, ranting on about your children's actions or inaction is only of interest to the parent of the child concerned...
So in conclusion the scope of these updates is to provide examples of life's inanities and the purpose is to provide amusement...
Inanity one. I have realised that I have one set of bed linen that I find comfortable the only time this set is not on the bed is when it is getting washed then I have to endure another set while the favourite is washing and drying... if I can do it I will wash and dry the favourite set in one day and return it to the bed... I will be attempting this trick today... do any of you suffer from this condition...
Inanity two. Sorry I did have one but I have forgotten what it is...
and finally is inanity a word I must look it up...

UppieJunior-San

2008-02-24T14:30:00.000-08:00

Where to start..... I don't think I mentioned in my last riveting update... that I have a boy holidaying in Korea... he is 18 and one of the triplets... he did a year of university but decided it was not for him... to celebrate this career enhancing decision he chose to take up a long standing invitation from an exchange student from Korea that he has been friends with for years... it was about this time that I discovered that my boy had saved about seven thousand dollars... for a kid that has never had a permanent job or even full time employment this is a sizable sum.. I'm looking at my own bank balance and realize that he has been grazing and accommodating himself at my expense... hmmm... The boy he is going with has been coming to New Zealand for three years and is a seasoned and confident traveller and obviously his parents are reasonably wealthy as they would not be able to send their child to New Zealand year after year for his education... Wiremu has been enjoying his holiday and grazing and accommodating himself at someone else's expense... good boy....
In The last week I have had to withdraw from two swim meets as we had a death in the Family.. this was the cot death of my nephews month old baby... a very sad affair... the tangi was over two days and involved allot of cooking and cleaning as we catered to the 60 or so family members that arrived to pay their respects... after one days break yesterday we moved daughter number 2 into her flat in Auckland in preparation for the start of her second university year... this involved a three hour journey there and back towing a large trailer filled with... ahhh ... well filled with all the stuff that a girl needs... to give you a handle on just what a girl needs there was one entire suitcase devoted to underwear and pyjamas'... (insert male incredulous look here).. so we lugged the furniture hung the curtains paid the bond and rent shopped her some supplies and returned home... It's a very nice
flat she has having been painted,carpeted and with a new kitchen and bathroom... we had brought her up the previous week to search for a place and was shocked but nor really surprised at the appalling conditions and the prices expected for those conditions... we learned that "character Cottage" really meant converted chicken coup with shit removed but not much else... It was a good day though because we got the girl a flat a part time job and a car all in that one day... The car is a Toyota Curren,silver,sports kitted two door coupe,just what a young girl with a suitcase of pyjama's and underwear needs to get her around town... next monday I fly down to Christ church to referee a national swim meet and am looking forward to the break away...

A big hello to you all... Fluffy I am still out here and looking forward to seeing you online... if on the rare occasions I am you are too... Maureen it was good camming with you... even though Randy called me a perve and told me to put my shirt back on... ask him if he wanted me to put my pants back on as well... snicker snicker... Diego my faithful friend Hola... Jerk I tried to get into the Bootery will try again today... though during the typing of the email I have been moofed four times... it all looks reformatted and the only thread I recognised was the time one... Ivana you'll have to pass that on to Jerk...

lastly one of these years I am coming to Las Vegas... I'll let you know when...

Uppiedated Consolidated

2008-01-30T16:18:00.000-08:00

Good evening to you all...
first apologies to all of you who expect regular "uppiedates" to enhance and invigorate your internet lifestyles... and a snigger for those of you who thought I had gone for good... I have not been online for ages and for the past three weeks .. hmm in fact longer.. I have been promising myself to get online and at least update... and here I am... ok by the numbers..

1. We organised and had the eldest boys 21st.
2. We organised and ran a family christmas.
3. The mother inlaw got cancer had an operation and spent a couple of months bed ridden.
4. We had a little car accident with each other and the fleet is now reduced to three vehicles as opposed to five.
5. I seem to be having a mid life crisis.
6. Bought a $5,000 dollar lounger suite.

1. 21st birthday went well.. did the key thing... cooked for a hundred fed about fifty... did the speech thing... had a party.. 20- something's behave way better than 16 year olds... the triplets 16th party was way worse as far as control and vomiting was concerned.
2. Since the 21st went so well and because of the mother in laws sickness we decided to not put the tools away and do it all again for christmas... again it was controlled relaxing and fun...
3. This meant endless trips to hospital (which is an hour away for us)... and a lot of care and attention being demanding on our time... luckily they have got it all and so far she is free and clear... and back to being frail and old as opposed to bed ridden sick and frail and old...
4. The boys car broke down ... we went to tow it home... the wife sort of missed the brake as we slowed for an intersection and decided to overtake me on the inside... I saw her departing from the rear vision mirror and foolishly thought maybe I better stop... of course she over ran the tow rope which wrapped around the front wheel swinging her sideways like a pendulum and then as the rope shortened wack into the side of the big car... when I heard her story about brake failure (not) I made no comment about women and their driving abilities and certainly did not swear and grizzle...
5. I cannot comment on this one as I'm still doing it?
6. I told the wife I was buying a new lounge suite and that if she did not want to get one she did not like she better come along and be part of the process. After an amicable discussion over the merits of making such a purchase. She realised in the end that she had no choice but to attend the event. I had intended to spend up to $3,000 dollars. After refusing to even agree to spending any money at all... and then only coming along under sufferance... she rings her sister from the furniture emporium to attend and help her decide... we bought the $5,000 one... good girl Kiri....

Cheery Mistmas, Mate!

2007-12-25T10:36:00.000-08:00

Christmas salutations...

even though it is boxing day... for many of you I know it will be the lords day... though I'll bet mammon has had a good thrashing as well... firstly I must apologise for being absent from your in box's for such a long period... many of you will roll your eyes at my hubris... but ever the arrogant I will continue... because some of you rely of my drivel to provide bonhomie and meaning into your empty lives (thinking of you Diego)... what's been happening .. I just cannot seem to make the drivel flow at the moment.... so I am going to wish you all the best and leave it at that.. I will attack the keyboard in the near future and let you know all the good and bad of my life .. thank you Maureen for the card it made me smile and touched my soul.. you will not believe this but I picked out a card for you... then went to find your address and a churlish wife had destroyed it... so now I have it again and I promise to use it twixt now and next christmas as for the rest of you... it's about money and bling people... I want my wallet touched harder than my soul... take care and put me on block now as more of this will be hitting your mail boxes shortly...

Ruh roh?

2007-09-04T06:42:00.000-07:00

Good morning ... let me tell you about my day.... for some reason I volunteered to do some extra mural study... called a Diploma of Manufacturing Management... this involves four two day block courses ... two assignments and a project.... just why oh why I am torturing myself with this Dean does not know... Uppie "says what do you think you are doing stupid" ... well anyway every couple of weeks I get rental car and drive an hour to Hamilton for the block courses... I have and still do occasionally, suffer from migraines which range from three day annoying aches controllable with pills and more annoying than debilitating to full on vomiting, head blasting and blinding episodes which make you want to die... the thing is and this is the sad part for me in my situation.. is that you do get warning... you can feel them coming on hours before crunch time.... crunch time meaning when it is so bad you are no longer able to function... however it has been so long since I have had a bad one that I have not been religious about taking my medication with me at all times... and I left my money behind...
When I woke up yesterday I could feel it lurking around in the back of my head... but so often does it fade away again with a nice shower and some meditation... what I do is stand in the shower with my face in the water stream... and picture the pain being absorbed by the water and flowing down and into the drain... sounds weird I know... but then I am weird... let me tell you it works... so ok I get to Hamilton the room is hot and stuffy.. we are doing graphs, maths and statistics... by lunchtime I am concerned... I tried to get some drugs from the receptionist... I knew it was futile.. as the company has a policy of not stocking any pills... I was very polite but inside I was screaming... "ok I'll just go away and fucking die in a corner"...
by the end of lunch I knew I was in for trouble and made my excuses and left... by the time I had collected the rental from the car park and was on my way... I was ready to vomit... now let me tell you vomiting out a car door while you are waiting for a green light is not the best... to avoid this I pulled into a car park area.. sat for a while and the feeling went away... this was my first and fatal mistake.. I should have got out and made myself throw up...
Patience uppielytes I am getting to the good part... I got out of the city into a rural area and was looking for a place to stop and be sick.... when "rut roh"... needless to say I did not make it.... and vomited all down my front, on the seat, the steering wheel and the door of the car.... (insert fuck fuck fuck in here..) I drove on another mile or two to a lay-by and got changed... luckily I had spare clothes... I am a very organised person... I put my jacket on the floor of the car so that I did not have to drive with my feet in vomit and continued... the trouble is by this stage my vision is buggered my head is exploding and I have to stop and dry retch half a dozen times on the way home... at one stage I almost gave up as I almost could not drive... every truck that came towards me was an invitation ... one swerve of the wheel and lets finish this... the one hour journey took me three hours...
and when I got home I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening sleeping which is why I am awake at half past one in the morning typing this... one last thing... my wife bless her (may I never be unfaithful in body, soul or mind)...ok ok will body and soul be good enough... well anyway she cleaned up the car for me... it's still a little pongy but lets hope the rental people do not get too pissy about it all...

Cheers Uppiedoodle (that's what Mech calls me when she is horny) snicker snicker Ruh roh

You can give toilet paper to a monkey but he will still throw shit anyways...

2007-08-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

It's past midnight here... and this is the first Uppiedate I have written since I downloaded the new MSN Hotmail and well... woot it has auto spell check.. now that is handy.. it will reach me to spell American style while I type a load of shit... as I said it is past midnight and am now regretting the afternoon nap I had that lasted a couple of hours... Life is passing me by I know this because I have a calendar at work where I record all the stuff that I do.. and I can tell you that I have not run for four months.. so yesterday I ran 10 k's ... today I am sore but it is a good sore... and I look forward to more of the same... my biggest problem in life is boredom... no it's not my biggest problem is my empty wallet syndrome... which leads to boredom because of the lack of money to do anything... seriously I have no debt... the mortgage is paid off... my wife and I earn reasonable money... yet we are not living comfortably... if this is as good as it gets.. then it is not very good.. at least a life of crime would lessen the boredom and enhance the lifestyle... yet I enjoy most of what I do... it just seems I am waiting for death... I have just read what I have written and it seems I am rambling ... am I losing my mind as well as my sanity... this is something I am sure Diego will appreciate... Shauna type me some stuff and make me feel better... Janice I loved the picture of you in Ibeza you looked so fit and healthy... Fluffy if you have all my "uppiedates" on file can you send them too me............... umm ... ummm Smiley lid where are you.... sigh...
Cheers Uppie

Up(pie)load

2007-08-14T04:42:00.000-07:00

Good evening... I say this as yes it happens to be evening... I am going to express a little frustration... though hopefully I will not sound whiney and pathetic... because even though Jerk no longer recieves my Uppiedates (at his rather blunt request) I did take his critique to heart.. nothing is worse than a whiner...
I have a machine in the corner of my dining room that gives me access to all the accumulated knowledge of the entire history of the human race... I can ask it any question... search for any one piece of information... research any topic... seek any opinion.. it is the single most important invention since man learnt how to make use of fire... yet I have no time to use it... The promise of all our modern technology was to free us from the drudgery of everyday life... to give us the gift leisure time to do the things we wish to do.... however the opposite is the case.. even though I enjoy being busy... there is something wrong with modern life..
Because of my internet connection being slow... most net sites do not work within my internet time limits... If I have to wait five minutes for every window at a site to load and open.. there is just no point in logging on... funnily enough it is the big reason I chat.. because i can shoot the breeze with people while I wait for windows to load... sigh..
Enough... enough already with the whining... things are great down here... the winter is more of a late autum and early spring with no winter in between... drown you Bangladeshy losers... put your houses on stilts and learn to drink salt water you Tokeloan tossers... down here in New Zealand we are going tropical... soon we will not have to holiday in Fiji... again New Zealand is Gods Own Country... and no you cannot come here.. there is no more room...
Cheers Uppie

wholly wholly wholly wholly wholly crap!

2007-07-26T20:57:00.000-07:00

A little drama in my world recently.... I was sitting at my desk at work... it's 6.30 in the morning and I am having a cup of tea and toast while reading the paper as you do.... the phone rings and it is my wife.. for her to be ringing me instead of being tucked up in bed as is her wont at this hour of the morning means it has to be bad news... The bad news is that my daughters boyfriend has been involved in a car accident earlier that morning and is seriously injured in hospital...I informed my wife that I had heard on the radio on my way to work the details of this accident and that the passenger had been killed... obviously the next thing to find out is whether the passenger was my daughter or not... she was not answering her phone.. the police would not give us any details.. so I spent the next hour waiting to find out if my daughter was dead or not... fortunately she is not... however it was a very stressful hour which took me a couple of days to recover from... just proving that... well... almost every trivial detail in life does not mean shit when compared one major event... the boyfriend is going to recover... saddly he'll have to live with the fact that his driving has killed another person... I just hope my daughter does not have to live with it...

Regrets? .. I've had a few....

2007-07-08T15:11:00.000-07:00

Well... here I am and yes it has been a long time... not long enough for some of you... this I know.... as I do understand that I make some people uncomfortable... as you all know things that happen to us in life are not always good and not always bad... most of life is just sheer boredom punctuated by sex, food ... and.. I'm having trouble thinking of anything else... terror comes to mind.... death... thats it sex,food and death... not often our own thankfully...
The point is when I talk to you about the things happening in my life it does not mean I am sad,happy,depressed or manic... it's just whats happening and my spin on it...
Along those lines... I have worked 23 out of the last 25 days I had yesterday off and will be working another 8 days before I have another day off... Yesterday I put the scissors through my credit card... Yes the two are related... I am on pay plus pay and a half at the moment.. in other words I get payed if I work or not.. and when I do work I get time and a half for every hour I work ... as the plant cannot run without me I have my boss over a barrel and am extracting my pound of flesh.... the credit card thing is not so bad.. I only got it as a tempory measure but I have found that it is too easy to use and with my gambling addiction it has become to easy to waste money...
There are times yanno when you have to take stock of your life and take action... it is no use prevaricating.. if things are not right fix them... I have found recently with the children at University that the demands on my time and money have grown to a tipping point... consequently I have stopped running... handed in my resignation as a swimming Referee... cut my credit card in half... and am raping and pillaging the overtime at work... you will have noticed... well those of you who have kept the faith and still talk to me that I have trimmed down my net time... I still have warm and generous thoughts about all of you even you Jerk and I miss some of you terribly..... especially Smiley Lid... but I do know that all of you are in the same boat as me... life is so much shorter (yes we are old) and busier... but it is also better.. I have more worry than I have ever had... I am working harder than ever (not just at work)... but I have more satisfaction and contentment than I ever have... maybe I was just a sad bastard when I was young who knows and who cares... I do know I was a sad bastard... with more emphasis on the bastard..
I was reading an artical the other day written by a woman in her 70's on being old... one thing she said that resonated with me... "there are things I no longer have in my life, things I used to love doing, like sex... but it is not to be mourned"... thats a great way to live..
I was looking at baby photo's of my children... well baby and up to intermediate school age.. thats 12 to 13 for you lot... and I wondered why they had to grow up.. the thought that came to mind was "that they were so much more controlable back then"... you fed them, put them to bed and sent them to school.... it's the loss of control that irritates... another thing not to be mourned...
They are all doing well at University getting merits for assignments and A's for exams... hopefully that will continue... I have been enrolled by work in a Diploma course entitled "Manufacturing Management"... something I have no interest in.. but if it makes the boss happy I will do it.. and I know I will enjoy the process...
I was going to tell you some other more meaningfull stuff... but it's half 2 in the morning and my brain is slipping cogs... I must get a notebookand write my ideas down... never mind you are my captive audience and you know I will be back..
Cheers Uppie

(8) Oh yes, they call him The Streak.... lookeedat lookeedat (8)

2007-05-19T03:03:00.000-07:00

I'm sure this will amuse some of you... please excuse the change of font due to critical comments to my former script it will now be known as my orange period.... this I feel is a more mature blue.. I was watching a programme last night about psychopaths... they were described as having an enlarged idea of their own importance in the world and said to be impulsive, egocentric etc I think you get the idea... if I was not so confident of my ability and my place in the scheme of things I would indeed be squirming in my brain case... this is not the reason for my visit to your inbox... at work... our factory being a shift work operation has all the facilities of everyday living including showers to die for with endless hot water... my habit has been to roll out of bed bleeraly drive the car to work and the first order of the day is a lovely shower... needless to say .. but say it I will... other workers have a similar routine.. as our facilities are multi or indeed any sexed there is a bit of timing involved... I'm usualy there first followed by a couple of women... well the other morning I was a little late and had just exited the shower into the curtained off dressing part of the bathroom.. when swish went the curtain and my wife was not the only woman to see me naked that day... apologies were profuse however what makes a woman when she sees a naked man focus on the waist level down part of the anatomy... sheesh if I'd known I was going to be on display I would have prepared... this brings to mind an interesting experiment carried out where they tracked the eye movements of women and men when shown nude pictures of members of eaches oposite sex.. they found to their suprise that men looked at the faces first then checked out the breasts and genitals... women however went straight to the package then as an afterthought would check out what the man looked like... you women are sooo shallow...

If a tree falls in the forest, does Uppie wipe his ass with it??

2007-05-10T01:57:00.000-07:00

My dial uppie is getting worse... apart from not being able to e-mail video's of myself... (mayhap this is a good thing)... oh and not being able to start a new discussion in the Bootery... (MSN freezes and then shuts down everytime I try)... it seems now I can no longer post replies in Bootery discussions... (I can hear Jerks WOOT from here)... it seems my last avenue of blah blah... is the good old Uppiedate... well readers let me tell you in the words of Sherl Crow... (yanno how she informed us that we could all wipe our asses with one square and three squares in those pesky times...) Well I have been having a pesky time and it has taken three pinetrees to maintain uppies personal hygiene... you really know you are in trouble when your flatulence gurgles... maybe you women poop yourselves in a more delicate manner but I have never known a time when one square would come even close doing the job required of it... If this is what it takes to save the planet... well I'm sorry Bangladesh you're fucked...

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative...

2007-05-02T01:52:00.000-07:00

People or should I say colours and fonts... the statement was... "This is for all and none of you".. which really means I only type this stuff for myself... oh and for my number one fan Diego... by the way Diego your woman finaly added me to her messenger... she is the only fresh meat I have had for a while.. I'll try not to chew with my mouth open...

It's funny really how we look at ourselves and how other people look at us... I know I have been rather maudlin lately... maudlin meaning a moaning, whiney bastard... I think it I have the reason worked out... It's because I'm seeing myself differently... I'm not even seeing myself as others see me... what I'm seeing I'm seeing is rather scary... my daughters have been taking photo's of me with the digital camera and I have clicked a couple myself... I do not remember getting old.. but it seems I am... and rather horribly old... I think I thought I would be like other lucky people you see who age and still look good... saddly this is not going to happen to me.... plus Mechanical who I no longer regard as intuitive said when I asked for an opinion on how I looked.. and shit dam I instructed her... not hinted instructed her to flatter me... she said "you don't look to bad for an old guy"..

FOR AN OLD GUY... at least she tempered the insult with guy instead of man... thats like telling a woman she is obese but at least not morbidly... but it's true I am old and I do not regret it... it's just that it sorta crept up on me and I am still absorbing... I'll soon be back to normal... but an Uppie with out arrogance and ego is a rather flacid and flatulant thing...

......

2007-04-18T16:52:00.000-07:00

blah blah blah blah democratic blah blah dee blah blah principles blah diddy blahblah resolution blah blah blah blah BLAH BLAH blah blah committee blah ..... blah blah blah issue

Seriously, wtf....

2007-04-15T08:16:00.000-07:00

I must apologise to my public... yes.. "my public" ... thats the two or three of you who read and respond to my diatribes... hang on while I reach for the dictionary... hmm "speech or writing that makes an angry attack on someone"... I was just intending to check the spelling ... mayhap I cannot use that word to describe my musings as the angry attack is usualy directed at myself... but then I spose by definition I am "someone" ... OMG am I sounding like MBA Mechanical Intuitive... someone from the Bootery shoot me... Goo Goo as soon as you finish off Diego I have another target for you... this one pays better...
Shit dam but my connection works really well at two in the morning... click click click I go flying around the net... hang on I have written a whole paragraph of crap and not gotton to the point... but then again I have lived for 47 years and not gotton to the point of that either... and I re read my last uppiedate .. sorry about the spelling mistakes... it was St Bedes by the way not St Bebes... ahh yes the apology... the apology was for.... hang on... yes it was for not putting enough effort into my Uppiedates.. then again you lot.. I'm not speaking to you Diego you get top marks... you lot do not put much effort into your replies... I always seem to be penning (good word that) cause keyboarding just does not fit...though the spelling is a result of keyboarding.... yes penning my missives when I am tired, lonely and depressed.... this does not result in good entertainment... by the way I am any one of the above at any time but it gets really shitty if all three coincide... well not shitty for me but the wife gets top marks for coping...
ok yesterday and it is only yesterday by 2.5 hours... I spent about six hours splitting firewood.... this put the wife in a really good mood.. such a good mood she took her own pjama pants off... rather than me having to drag them off and her being recalcitrant... there must be something in a man working himself into an early grave that women find attractive.. cause I tell you as I usualy do because I'm a "telling you" sort of guy.... It's one of my worst faults.. that and garrulousness.. that means I tell you... alot... I had to each for the dictionary again... interesting fact... garrulity is a sign of old age... sigh.. I can never win..
After the mountain man firewood splitting I went for a run .. it was sposed to be 20 k's but ended up 10... and then crashed into bed early... and here I am tired but awake at two in the morning... I'll post some crap in the Bootery have a snack... there is no point hitting on the wife... two nights in a row is just not gunna happen... and then try and get some sleep...
I hope you find this an email worth opening and I wish quality time on all of you...
Cheers Uppie

AirUppie

2007-04-11T10:04:00.000-07:00

Good evening to you all. As some of you might have noticed I have not been around for a week or so.. I have spent the last six days at the Youth and Opens swim meet in Christchurch which is an hour and forty minutes away by plane... It was an enjoyable week of no cooking, cleaning or children or wife... The Meet is for the top youth and Olympic level swimmers.. so lots of good swimming and good bodies in skimpy swim suits... the meet has and early moring session of two hours and an evening session of two to three hours... the rest of the day is free for drinking and gambling... both of which I indulged in to a greater or lesser degree.. oh yea I also did alot of running as I have a mrathon to run on the 28th of this month.... we stayed at St Bebes College which is a catholic highschool for boys... also staying in the same wing as us was a group of athetics kids 12 to 13... sixty of them half girls half boys... this made the ablution block which is unisex rather interesting... our group of four adults showered between 6 and 7 in the morning then the girls moved in and then the boys.... I was shaving at 6.30 one morning and two girls came in... they had no concerns at my presence but inquired as to if there were any boys in there... god dam I'm that old that young girls do not regard me as a threat... sigh...

My fellow travellers are aged, overweight and snore alot... another .. sigh... the only other thing of interest that happened was on the flight home....

pilot... "scuse me passengers but we have a noisy door"

me..... well did you not shut the fucking thing properly...

pilot... "it's not a problem we think the door seal has pinched on closing and we are going to descend to see if the noise reduces...

me.... yea right... you are worried that the door might be falling off and you are descending so we do not have explosive decompression if it exits the aircraft...

pilot... "the door is still noisy and we are going to divert to Wellington'

me.... "fuck we are in the shit"

we then started descending rapidly and we came in so hard and fast we bounced when we hit the tarmac.. for a nervous flier like myself this was rather discombobulating... however we spent half an hour on the ground and then were cleared to continue our journey...

so you still have me to contend with.... snicker snicker

Uppiecide

2007-03-30T15:52:00.000-07:00

I was watching a documentary about a web site called ASH... dunno what the acronym stands for... but it was a website where people with mental health problems that have pushed them to the verge of suicide go to compare notes on the methods and results and possible bad outcomes of attempting suicide... it was really rather depressing.... with interviews with people who are seriously sad... in one aspect when you see how these people are living it sort of makes you appreciate your own miserable circumstances... the other side of the proverbial coin lying in the shit... is hey keep these people away from me... I don't see how I can help them and listening to them talk in depressed monotone about their misery is not helping me either... however one young lady made a comment that I really indentified with... After the litany of her troubles and recounting the three or four times she had attempted hari kari... she was asked whether she was now "comfortable with life"... she said...

"... I am never comfortable with life... but I have periods where I'm tolerant of it... "

Right on baby...

Just Do It

2007-03-11T16:08:00.000-07:00

I write to you snuffling and coughing in the grip of a head cold... it has been an unusualy busy week for Uppie even by the standard previously established by Uppie's alter egos... Swimming Official Man.... Ponds Technician Man.... Union Executive Man... oh yea and dealing with Wife and Children as Family Man... I have not even been able to play at Chat God Man....
For the past five days I have been attending and working as a minor official at the National Age Group Champs... this is a ten session meet which is rather big... the competition is for the best 13, 14 and 15 year old swimmers in the country... also competing was the National Youth Team from Japan... the dress, grooming and deportment of this team was of a standard that should have been a wake up call to our swim teams to tidy themselves up... the discipline and organisation they displayed was extraordinary... they had a lovely grey uniform and on the first day they all wore white t-shirts.. and I mean everyone coaches, swimmers, team Managers etc.. day 2 pink t-shirts... day 3 light blue... the swimmers bow to the officials before the start of their races and their organised cheering was impressive with chanting and clap dancing that amused and had the Kiwi kids joining in and learning the moves... it made me realise that the Japanese are racially, physicaly and culturaly more than just foreign but so very different from the Kiwi "she'll be right" gumboots is best dressed attitude...
The Swim Meet is structured in a way that leaves a large gap between the morning and evening finals session so I took the opportunity to complete 15 k training runs in the breaks.. the day after the finish of the meet I traveled to Rotorua and ran a half Marathon (21 k's) this has been an exhausting schedule and I was looking forward to slumping into Ponds Technician Man and resting for a week or so... this however is not to be as we recieved word last night that my wifes sisters husband has died suddenly and we are traveling five hours today to Napier which is on the other side of our island and will be attending a three day Tangi... I am sick with the cold, aching from the run and very tired as a result of the swim meet.. this is all a ploy to get those of you who are suckers for a sob story to post money and naked pictures of them selves to cheer me up... ahh Jerk and Fiend.. the money will be fine... do not take the trouble with the pic's... anyway Fiend we have all already seen your hairy ass...
On a more serious note... the brother inlaw had an infected foot and delayed going to the doctor... as a consequence he ended up in hospital took a turn for the worse... his kidneys failed and he died... we are all at the age.. well most of us are... where our aging carcasses need care and attention, our imune systems are crumbling along with our looks and physiques... and at any time we can be a day away from dead and buried... so stop whining .. do it today ... and enjoy the time we all have left...
Thats the public service announcement for today... Cheers Uppie
oh yes if any of you women do want to do it today you have my contact details..

No cute little picture can best describe the revulsion of uppies "cute little fat roll"

2007-02-24T18:50:00.000-08:00

Well the day has finaly arrived we have dropped off all the triplets at their various University dorms and the house is alot quieter ... It is rather strange to have that much less washing cooking and cleaning to do... as for shopping... well we never seem to need to buy food anymore... the other day after we had dropped off the first one in Auckland... I dished up dinner for six... it took me a wee while to remember why there was one meal left on the bench... this situation and the difficulty with proportion reduction when estimating the ingestion level of the remaining family members has made very good at rehashing left overs..
Also you would think with an empty house and hence an increase by over 99% in the level of parental privacy... that a little nookie would be in order... yanno.. being able to grunt and groan and make all the other noises of a carnal nature that children are not sposed to hear.. "sigh".. I spose it is a sign of age... hell apart from the obvious age deteriation.. I have a better body than I have ever had.. and because of my running am in better condition than ever... I am even growing a cute little fat roll..which I think is an exciting addition... Yet I have no one to have sex with... it's not as if I want a daily romp... once a month would be fine as long as it was worth the effort... no point getting sticky and sweaty.. if there is no "woo hoo that was great" at the end of it....
Thats enough to wet your appetite... I might give you the broken car rant and whine next... or .. well what ever springs to mind....
Arohanui... that means "big love" from Uppie

s.l.p.f.r.r.t.m.

2007-02-20T14:21:00.000-08:00

I have enough material for several Uppie dates... the real problem is finding the time to pen one and remembering the info... lets start with Valentines Day... you know the day where all you women force us men to buy you stuff like chocolate, flowers and fluffy toys... now... when you are young and horny it seems like a good idea fifty bucks of crap gets you a good chance of sex... is that a good deal of what... however as time goes by it becomes more of a chore.. but wo betide the errant male that does not send the woman of his dreams... (oh hell no.. you do not send her flowers...) I mean the woman you are shacked up with... if she does not recieve flowers delivered to her desk... at work... in front of her workmates.. your name is mud for the week... and as for the sex that you are not getting anyway.. well now you do not even have the promise of sex... so I do the expected thing year after year just to keep the peace.. there was a time in my life when women sent me flowers... sigh..

Which brings me to the point... my daughter... the romantic one... the one I like to think is most like me... decided to cook her boyfriend a lovely valentines day dinner... on the menu was Chicken Ala Orange... she even laid out the table with candles and fragrent dried flower petals... she bought all the ingrediants for the meal.... problem was the receipe said chicken pieces not chicken chunks... and it is sposed to be a casserole... she asks me.. "whats a casserole".. so there I am rescuing her cooking disaster... it ended up stove top not casserole... just so her boyfiriend can have sex????... it ended up tasting only slightly disgusting.. and I'm sure he was able to force it down ... after all with my daughter as the desert he better be prepared to eat shit and die for her affections..

Rant over... Cheers Uppie

oh and mech wanted me to use the acronym slpfrrtm.. in this Uppiedate... it stands for.. fek I cannot remember... ahh yes... soft little pouchy fat roll round the middle... but thats another story...

Alama Mater

2007-02-13T06:10:00.000-08:00

Well hell guys life is ticking by at a pace of one minute per second... if I'm not old already I soon will be... sorry to be nostalgic but I Iooked up my old school on the local Trade Me auction site which has an old friends site attached... I found two old high school classmates listed there and I wrote to both... I created my own profile and linked it to the old class photo's I found there... posted by one Delaine Proctor... Lots of old memories.. buzzing around my brain case and now I cannot sleep dammit... on Friday we take the first of the triplets to Auckland and deposit her into her University Dorm... and next week take the other two to Hamilton where they are to attend Waikato University... life is going to be real quiet round the old homestead... at least I still have the dog.. with all the less cooking, cleaning and running around that I will no longer be doing maybe I can finish the house off... I hope so.. as I'am tired of living with the house in an unfinished and run down state... sigh.. ahh well it is time for me to get back to bed... mayhap I'll slide by the Bootery and think of a novel way to slaughter Charmsie's ex boyfriend... for those of you who are not in the Bootery... he dumped Becca by texting her best friend and getting her to pass on the message... I can hear the sharp intake of breath and grinding of teeth of all you female members of Uppies clan... yes Becca is a tad pissed.. .. bye for now Uppie

Uppies State of the Union Adress

2007-01-28T13:22:00.000-08:00

Good morning to you all... as most of you would know Uppie considers himself a minor philosopher and often ponders life the universe and women in particular.. you will have to forgive me refering to myself in the third person but there are two of us Uppie and me.. when our opinions converge I will use the royal "we"... anyway we were listening to the radio the other day.. it's a station called "National Radio" it is totaly funded by the government and therefore add free you can also get it on the net.. so if you want to hear weird New Zealand music and all the political and social comment totaly search it up and have a listen... they have an afternoon forum where a panel of minor celebraties yanno the type.. they think they own the world because they have been on TV... anyway there was this woman on who is a private detective... her claim to fame is that she featured in a tacky series sneaking around chasing wandering spouses.. now whenever the press want comment on the behaviour and sexuality of the unfaithful they refer to her and she opines in a way that demonstrates her way with crass.. she was whining about the lack of men her age (she is 53) who look after themselves physicaly and present themselves cleanshaven, tanned, taut and moisturized.. as she said she is single and looking... Well as you know my opinion of her is low.. I felt like screaming at the radio... "Darling" I say in a syrupy, faggoty way with a hint of k at the end... "darling, a well preserved, intelligent and loving man does not want a brassy, boosted. bo-toxed, big mouthed bottled blond with shriveled lips a heart to match and hip bones where her ass should be"... I think that about covers it all.. I like to make my rants short and sharp.. well thats my thought for the day... Enjoy your day no matter what happens... Salutations from Uppie and I... I'm the tanned taut etc etc he is the pig...

happy new years?

2006-12-27T20:15:00.000-08:00

This is the second time I have sat down in front of the computor to write this... early this morning the computor would not connect to the ISP so I went back to bed for a "moi'.. this is Maori for sleep.. I am just trying to think of an english word to give you an idea of the pronounciation it's sort of like... "more... ee" but say it really fast... as you are all probably aware Christmas has been and gone... which is how I like it being the christmas Grinch and all... I worked christmas and boxing day and over the four days eg sat, sun, mon, tues I ran four ten k runs to burn off the the extra food intake... Christmas for me usually means the onset of a black depression which makes it really hard to function as the Happy Christmas wanderer that most people expect at this time of year... I seemed to have avoided the dark cloud and functioned at the minimal level required this year... a big Woot as the Messican would say... We seem to be trapped as a society in this western capitalist greed loop where our economy must grow to provide the wealth and materials with which we can survive and find pleasure... the only other alternative is this communist penuary where the greedy find other means to gain the wealth and materials they require... the problem with continuous growth is when does it stop... you cannot have an annual 5% growth in population, housing, energy consumption, demand for food and any other 5% on 5% consumption year after year after year... when the water that we need to drink and the air we need to breath finally runs out... what then? death I spose and on a scale humankind has never experienced.. I fear that this will occur in our childrens lifetime and certainly in our grandchildrens time... what we need is a managed shrinking of the economy a reduction of population and demand on resources that will ensure a balanced ecological economy... this will not happen under our present system or under a communist system as quite frankly a system change means a loss of wealth and power that the rich and powerful will just not allow.....

hmmm on a lighter note... twas the day before christmas and all about the house.. nothing was upsetting everything was grouse.. I went to the mailbox for the paper to read.. and there with the bills was a letter for me... Holy sweet weeping Jeebus... it was from Cranky you see... a card from the Crank I opened it with care... no fish hooks.. no white powder.. no strontium 14... It was a card.. a christmas card.. it brought a tear to my eye... then I looked over my shoulder...

Question girl... when did I give you my address ?... does this mean you fancy me ?... how come there was no money in it ?

Uppie wishes you all a very merry Christmas.. (yea right I mean it) and a Happy New Year...

note to the rest of you.. take the hint about the money... and Jerk it's not so hard to send Uppie card is it... but then again do not expect one back... Cheers all.

Are Uppies kids named "The blonde one", "The Tall One", etc etc.??

2006-12-11T20:43:00.000-08:00

Good morning... Hola..... to all of you... it is I... the orange fonted crusader... seeker of justice... internet eco warrior.. defender of the faith... (my faith incidentaly)... and geuine all round good guy... I could say that this is a busy time of year but really for me it is a busy time of my life... so much is happening or should I say needing to happen that I have just become snowed under with stuff.... I just flounder along and do the best I can... you will have noticed those of you are Bootery members that I am having a little break from work... yes I'm posting in the com a sure sign that I'm not at work... I'm having four days off in a row.. this being my last day.... the first two days we went... sort of as a family... because the girls brought their boyfriends with them... to the beach... we stayed with another family who own a million dollar beach house mansion.. complete with plasma TV .. a walk across the sand dunes to a white sand private beach... a boat to go fishing... etc etc... it was a couple of days of good weather.. good food and sun...

As for the children they are at the stage of playing at adults but not left home yet which is most irritating... the triplets have graduated from high school... and have enrolled at University... so it has been an endless round of graduation dinners.. prize givings... christmas breakups... yanno sometimes I would like to do some christmas neck breaking.. sorry for that violent impulse... the girls scooped a fair number of trophies and awards.. which was nice... and the blonde one won a thousand dollar scholarship... when I was at school I got nothing.... does the term loser apply here.. I think so... I hope the girls do well.. but as you all know life is long and many things can happen which open and more often close the doors of opportunity.. the trick I think is to roll with the punches and use the current to advantage... Holly sent me her usual christmas card... to which I will never get round to replying too.. she called me the christmas grinch... I did not realize I was that obvious... ahh well it is too late for me to change now... at times I wonder at people who change their jobs .. divorce and remarry.. or otherwise embark on a course of huge disruption to their life... good on you... but not for me..

just a last note to those of you who have my yahoo email address.. or details or what ever... I posted a whole lot of photo's in the 360 yahoo thingy... this is for you Kayla I posted pics of my oldest boy.. the ones I promised you but could never get to you... I could not open them and look at them myself... but I know they are there... so if you want to view them and know how to do it... go look .. I think my addy is.... upaut2000@yahoo.com wow it went blue that must be it... I hardly ever open my yahoo account so if you leave me a message there I might read it in five years time...

I conducted a swimming seminar last night.. which involved introducing people new to officiating and giving them basic training... public speaking is not something I am good at but hell I no longer care what people think... yanno sometimes I wonder why I get my self into all this stuff.... yanno I just noticed when I start to whine I prefix it with a yanno... please in reply to this rubbish could you respond with a critique of my faults.. maybe it will stop me writing to you....

Cheers and a very Merry Christmas to you all... Uppie

yawn?

2006-10-31T11:32:00.000-08:00

Good morning.... It certainly has been a while... I really am beginning to wonder what is going on with my life... if this is old age ... well dam it it sucks... when I was younger .. and that is not that much younger... I built a house and I mean dug the foundations mixed and poured the concrete... hammer and nailed... the plumbing the electrical stuff etc etc.. worked full time and looked after triplets.. these days I barely have time to eat sleep and work... The house gets the bare minimum as far as cleaning goes and it is in dire need of a paint and tidy... hopefully today I will get time to do something in that area... I do not even have time to sit at the computor and play... hell with my connection I sometimes do not even wait for the dam thing to logg on to the net as it takes too long...

Whew I seem to be lurching towards full rant mode.. or at least whine whine whiney bastard... I do have people dying of cancer all around me.. so really whats there to whine about... and I have been recieving complaints about "boring Uppiedates" well that was from Jerk... those of you who know the big fellah understand that he is the King of Grump.... But then life is full of tedium... which we rail against as teenagers filling our spare time with drink, druggs and sex to somehow make us feel it's worth taking that next breath... for me I just do stuff... and try to keep interested... I might have done my last marathon... it was in Auckland last weekend.. it was not so bad .. these things have become a bit of a routine... the wife and I stayed in a flash hotel (opposite the Casino of course) so we ate well, gambled, had sex.. (well I did any way)... and then I got up early the next morning and wore myself out... the reason it might be my last is not because of the run... it's the aftermath... the run went reasonably well and I finished in my best time yet... however I was really sick afterwards.. and the damage especially to the feet just does not seem worth it at times..

Crikey what a maudlin date with uppie this lot is... I might have to take Jerks advice on board... anyway to all you out there... the fifty personalities that make up the sum total of Uppies on line adventures... may the sun shine on most of you... (not you Jerk)... the gods be good... and enjoy the life we all have left..

Uppie

Man, Machine & Mauler

2006-09-20T04:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes... yanno... Life just makes you want to scream... I'm going away on Saturday for a week down the South Island to referee a swim meet... and two days ago the washing machine broke down... for a family that does at least two loads a day sometimes three and four this is a major problem... I have wrenched the fekkin thing from it nesting spot... tossed it on the trailer and rushed it down town for some emergency care stat... I took it to my usual repairer just to be told "no we don't repair washing machines anymore"... well you sell the fekkers and you are the agent for them grrr.... eventualy I found Mickey Mouse Washing Machine Repairs and left my baby in the hands of a cross between the guy in physco and Mr Bean.. ya just know it's not going to be repaired and back in sevice before I go....
Another episode.. Just to let you know that life is not all beer and skittles for uppie... at work I had four goats.... culls from a milking herd... brought to my area for weed control... but being goats they walked through all the fences... ring barked some trees.. and generaly made a nuisence of themselves... as for the weeds they continued to grow... one of them died of old age leaving three... the hard choice had to be made.. that is the shooting of the goats... ok ok yes girls we tried to give them away but there were no takers... the workmate who is our site executioner wanted to use his shotgun with solids to dispatch them... as I said to him "this is not a hunt it's an execution.. the success of which will be how clean the kill is.. I do not want you blowing their leggs off with shotty solids (when you miss).. a quick and clean bullet to the head is what we want..." so he came down with his scoped .22...
Did I tell you these goats are quite tame... sigh... that means we could get within ten feet of them and they just looked at us quizically and chewed cudd... (they did not even make a run for it).... he shot the first one... and then quickly the second... while he was lining up the third I noticed that the first one after a bullet to the head had just sat down and was wagging it's tail... (I assume it was just feeling a little dizzy)... after he had shot the third one I pointed out that the first one was lookin pretty good for a goat that had been head shot... so he gave it another one that made it flop over and roll down the hill... we went down the hill to check on them... the third one was a clean one shot kill... the second one was almost had it but we gave it one more point blank just to make sure... as for the first one.. this is the one that had two head shots already... it was still breathing and then gave a sort of sickly "Baaaa"... "jesus" I said to the executioner "this one is still going"... he gave it a point blank to the head... I think this was a goat from the film The Exorcist.. cause it kept breathing and uttered another "Baaa"... so he gave it a forth bullet to the head going in under the jaw and that finished it... thank god... Hell I felt guilty for the rest of the day...
If this was not enough to emotionaly upset me for the week... (I'm not upset about killing the goats.. it was a dirty job but it had to be done.. you just grit your teeth and do it.. but the killing of anything flesh and blood is not pleasant)...Episode 2... we sort of had a pet Possum not really a pet but it had lived in the trees outside our bedroom for a number of years and would eat the lemons and manderins off our fruit trees and climb on the roof of the house occasionaly... they have a hell of a scream by the way... late at night and right outside your bedroom window is a little irritating at times... anyway this is the bad part.. a couple of the neighbourhood dogs got hold of it and mauled it breaking it's back... I chased them off... then I had to get the hammer and finish it off... bashing an animal to death with a hammer is really up close and personal... but again it's grit your teeth and do it.. it still makes me feel a little squishy... at the moment I no longer feel like Uppie The Faithless internet philanderer whose slease aims to please.. but more like Uppie The Murderer.. animal slaughterer.. don't let him loose with a hammer... sigh... Lots of sympathetic emails and maybe a few snail mails with underwear and money enclosed would make me feel way better...
Again I remain Uppie Your Chat God...

What about "Hide The Bone", Uppie?....Thats always fun!

2006-08-18T06:09:00.000-07:00

Well this missive has been a long time in gestation ... it's not so much that nothing has been happening but that I have not had time to sit down and bash away at the keys... for a start the children tend to dominate the available computor time and scondly I have been working long hours and have tended to go to bed early... ok let me take you back in time a little... some of you will be aware that I am quite involved with my Union... I'm on the National Executive which is the body that runs the show... we have had a piece of nasty anti-worker legislation that was being pushed through parliment... so a group of us from the Dairy Workers Union hired a bus, road tripped down to Wellington and took part in a protest against the introduction of this proposed law... Our Union is rather well off so basicaly it was a couple of days off work.. a night in a nice hotel in the big city... wave some banners and yell abuse at politicians and back home again... well bloody hell the bus trip took 12 hours on the way down... the bus had no working heaters or demister for the windscreen... it was raining, cold and wet... hello I thought... heello... then I tried to sleep.. It was a great trip the company was great... plenty of stops for food drink and gambling... and the protest was alot of fun... it's amazing what grown adults will do to keep themselves amused... one guy earned the nicname 0800 spankie... and the girls from Puhoi were... well... hardout... but never mind what goes on tour stays on tour...

I seem to have been all over the place lately ... I ran a half marathon in Taupo again in wet, cold and windy condtions... though again I enjoyed it for some reason... and last weekend we took the triplet boy up to Auckland to drop him off on the Spirit of Adventure which is a three masted sloop a sailing ship which takes 40 trainees (20 male 20 female) for 9 days of sailing and adventure around the coast of New Zealand... it cost 900 dollars to get him on board but I think it will be an experience he will benefit from... I must say though that I spent five minutes on board checking out the ship and it's accomodation and I got awefully seasick... and the dam boat was still tied up to the dock... I hope the boy is ok cause they were allowed no cell phones and we have been out of touch for the whole nine days.. I think they ban the cell phones so that they cannot ring their parents and grizzle... the wife is traveling to Auckland tomorrow to pick him up... I am not going because I have the regional swimming AGM and I have to work..

while she is there she is taking the brainy daughter triplet for an interview / introduction to Auckland University as she is applying for a place to study for a health sciences degree... this is a restricted course but she has the marks to ensure her selection and the drive and personality to be successful... well I hope anyway...

The girls have been away all week at the National Secondry Schools Netball Tournament the wife has been going over the hill to watch them play but I have not ... (because of work again).. they won 6 games and lost 3 in their pool and came 17th overall out of 60 teams.. not too bad but they probably could have done a little better.. this has meant only the wife and I home this week... sort of weird really cooking for two seems pointless... and the dog is only so much fun... once you have chased him round the house a couple of time played tug of war with his favourite toys and let him bite and chew your hands and feet.. well there is not much more you can do with him.. (no suggestions Fiend)..

Generally... my health is good.. finnancially it's bonus time and spare cash is floating around the bank accounts... (I must stop gambling it away) so apart from feeling old and bored things are good in the land of Uppie.. hope you are all well and reasonably happy... and I will try and be more uppie dating in future...

Cheers Uppie....

Forecast for this Summer....

2006-07-02T10:04:00.000-07:00

Goodmorning to you all... first the weather... currently we are enduring and enjoying a sustained period of cold in New Zealand... for the past two weeks we have had clear skies which means low temperatures in the morning accompanied by frost and warm sunny afternoons.. infact perfect winter weather.. as you know I like to proselytize you from a position of moral rectitude.. and since... due to the vagries of MSN your numbers are restricted to fifty you can regard yourselves and indeed I regard you as the chosen ones... hence proselytes you are... though I fondly think of you as acolytes...

Enough... lets get to todays sermon from the mount.... well really it is a bunch of shit from the kitchen... but hey it's my rant... (so block me)... for the last couple of days and for the next couple the girls of the family.. (well two girls and an old woman).. are away down south attending the National Agegroup Netball Champs... and I.. due to finnancial considerations am at home minding the fort.. so to speak.. because dammit I like to speak... let me here and now apologise for being so unsufferable this morning.. a bit like Mech on a bad day.. ok.. I am getting to the point.. the point is .. women... (old and young) are ... I was going to use an unacceptable pejorative.. let me see... umm ... are untidy vixens... women wear numerous unnecessary items of clothing to protect, support, conceal, cover and then some more items draped just because they look good... (these all need washing girls)... they spend inordinate amounts of time toileting.. (without equal amounts of time cleaning up after).. they also demand meals cooked and on the table when they arrive home... (but they never arrive home at the expected time)... and then they pick at their food.. declare their lack of appetite and return to toileting..

I cleaned the bathroom yesterday... and this morning when I cleaned my teeth it was still clean... no hair clips.. hairbrushes... shaving equipment and assorted body hair.. no wet towels and dirty unerwear strewn about the floor... ok so guys don't bathe that often... but hell let me suggest you girls bathe to often... I did have huge amounts of washing and folding of clothes initialy.. but by the third day even with me changing the beds and washing sheets the flood is now a trickle......hell If I did not have the friggin dog I would not even have to vaccum... the fire is lit and soon the sunday paper will be in... dam I'm bored...

Vote For The Burning Ring O' Fire!

2006-06-23T14:49:00.000-07:00

Hey Y'all.. It is I Uppie... sorry bout the southern accent.. but I'm trying to change my image.. and be more user friendly if y'all know what I mean.. I went to Wellington for a Trans Tasman Food Union Seminar.. where I got to shake the Prime Ministers hand... this was ok but y'all know I'm not a schmoozer... for the past week I have been in Rotorua... which is the tourist capital of New Zealand attending the Dairy Workers Union congress... this is where all the site delegates from across the country get together for a week to discuss and vote on policy, rules and the money side of the Union and to listen to various speakers... one of those was again the Prime Minister... I am already on the National Executive of the Union and next year the role of President comes up for grabbs... I will prolly end up as Vice President.. it depends how and who runs for the top job... I have been campaigning for this position for the last two years... did I mention I'm not a schmoozer... shite ... well I have been for this but in an honest way... I also watched Walk The Line a movie about the early life of Johnny Cash it was very good... well worth watching... I even watched the director dirge where he comments on the movie... loved it... anyway gotta take a kid to work
ciao all

THE WORLDS SHORTEST BLOG ENTRY!!!

2006-06-11T15:38:00.000-07:00

Good evening to you all ... as you will know.. or as you will soon know another year has passed by and it is ball time again... it's buy the dress .. do the make up.. buy a suit... shave... hair styles etc etc.. here they are... as I post they are leaving the house.. well two have the second girls boyfriend is late.... weell not late yet... but if he is not here soon they will be... grrrrr... cherrs all Uppie

"excuse me while I extract my thumb from his mouth..."???

2006-06-04T14:43:00.000-07:00

So much has been happening lately it's hard to know where to start... firstly I have been away in Rotorua for three days working, as a member of our Unions Claims Committee on the claims we are putting forward for this years negotiations... people pretty much submit claims telling us what they think we should ask for and we go through them, toss most aside then formulate the ones we think have merit into a negotiable format.. it always amazes me how naieve, selfish and downright stupid most people are... In the midst of all this I had to deal with an ageing dog, she had lost the ability to walk though was not in any pain... I took her to the vet and his advice was to put her down... which was the right thing to do... but I lugged the dog back home for one last week so that the rest of the family could get used to the fact that this was it for the dog... it was really tough to set the execution day and then take her to town and carry out the sentence... It cost three hundred dollars to turn her into a small cardboard box of ashes... (the family insisted on cremation).. I had offered to shoot her for free... saddly and this is a comment on human nature... we were burgled in the week following the dogs demise... someone... obviously who knew... snuck into the house inbetween me leaving for work and the rest of them getting up for school and such like and rifled the wifes purse taking money and credit cards.... we now have a new dog... it's a miniture fox terrier we have named "Sarge" he is sitting in my lap as I type slobbering on the keyboard... excuse me while I extract my thumb from his mouth... it's amazing how the new puppie has changed the family dynamic and has cheered people up and got them relating to each other.... it even makes the poo's and wee's bearable... though I almost have him toilet trained.. as for the rest of life in general.. well I used to read about the vagries of old age and think to myself how can that be possible.. but now I am living the dream so to speak.. I did not think old age started at 40 but there you go... good luck to you all and good life.. Uppie your chat god... aged

N.Z. airwaves contain HIGH quantities of NON-Internet stuff

2006-05-20T06:45:00.000-07:00

This is just to let all you people know... well those of you that have noticed and are interested know... why uppie your chat god had not been online for ten days or so... as you know I live in New Zealand.. yes thats right.. the place where they have no broadband... well we call it broardband but you would laugh at the speed of it... but worse than this our monopoly teleco has let the old copper wires fall into such disrepair that even the phonelines which provide dial up connections are failing... I have a 56k modem the best speed I have ever had out of my good phoneline is 42k's and that was at 3 in the morning... yes thats right I have two phonelines... one totaly devoted to the comp that will only run at 28k's tops.. this line has failed three times on me... the reason I have been away is that both lines failed and it took ten days to repair...

Anyway enough ranting... another sort of weird thing that happened to me the other day... I was sitting with three other co-workers... just jawboning.. this was in the store... the office where we pick up all our supplies.. next thing there is a bang bang bang on the window... and this woman is out there yowling like a wounded dog... asking for someone to take her home as her kid is dead.... it was really bad you never want to hear another person like that... anyway Gloria jumps up takes her in hand and rushes her home... the rest of us are sitting there .. sort of stunned.... feeling like crap... wondering WTF... five minutes later we got a call... panick over it's the cat that is dead not the boy.... the boys name is peke prnounced sort of like pickie... the cats name was pinkie... her younger kid rang up screaming and wailing that pinkie had been run over and was dead... talk about misscomunication... any way when we heard I said "what do you mean the fucking cat"... Gloria told me that was exactly what this woman said to her kid when she got home...

Cheers

Uppie

Does Uppie have a thing for self-induced vomitting or something?

2006-04-29T09:58:00.000-07:00

There has just been one event to occupy my thoughts of late and that has been the marathon... the training has been intense and a little wearing... but the result was worth it... I ran yesterday and completed the event in a time of 4 hours 27 minutes... my previous best time was 5 hours 11 minutes... the four hours 27, to give you some perspective, means I was part of the pack... back of the pack mind you but at least part of it...

I ran non stop through the 36 k maker broke down... (that means got tired and walked) started running again and ran through the 37 k marker then broke down again... I walked to just before the 39 k marker took time out to vomit.. then ran hard the last 3 k's to the finish line... however there has been some serious physical damage and I expect to lose a toenail or three.. maybe more... ...

Ouch Uppie

Uppie Supports MASS Hair Spray Useage

2006-04-17T12:16:00.000-07:00

hello all it is I Uppie the lord of the orange font... nothing much happening here besides hard work... though swimming has finished for the year... next weekend is Rotorua Marathon time.. and I have been training hard... hopefully this will be my year... the wife... you will notice the chattel slant to that statement... the car, the dog, the kids, the wife.. well she is away for seven days.. this being day six... it's not bad yanno being single... no moaning and whining... great nights sleep... and and and .. weeeelll it is a little lonely and the remaining kids keep coming to me and asking for stuff... she is in Christchurch (thats down the south island) with the swimming daughter at the Youth and Opens Swim Champs... the girl made a final in the 50 freestyle with a PB and did another PB in the final though did not get into the medals... PB by the way means personal best in reference to the time she swam the event in... sheesh keep up will ya.. global warming is very good for me and I want more of it... last year when I was doing early morning runs it was about cold enough to numb the fingers and other bits... but this year it is like a late summer here.. it is very warm... a big thankyou to fluffy bum and holly hock for the easter cards you sent me... as for the rest of you net bums... get with the programme ... dinner is bubbling on the stove and I have a last evening of peace and quiet before the wife returns... ciao for now and take care of yourselves..
Uppie...

You got to know when to holdum

2006-04-07T13:36:00.000-07:00

Just a quick few words... Guru has been teaching me about computers... the other day I did 12 hour download... yes thats right my comp ran for 12 hours without hesitation, constipation, masturbation or any other breakdown.. then when I went to run the program... it went error message... I clicked ok... poof download gone.. all I asked Guru was "is the file still in my system somewhere" ? ... I now have full instructions for replacing my hard drive (with pictures).. thanks Guru if I cock this up I'll have no comp.. so why worry about a lost file... also I went to the casino the other day.. lost $200 dollars.. wife gave me another 100 and I won back my 200 that I had lost... then I sat down at texas holdem (this is for you Jerk) and lost 75 dollars in two hands... I got a pair of jacks in my hand picked up a pair of fours on the flop... bet hard... this asshole got a flush on the river... second hand I had ace king in my hand.. picked up another ace king on the flop... same asshole had a pair of fives in his hand which he bet hard on from the start... and he picked up another five in the flop... it was a 5 and ten table they were big pots... sigh..

thats all for now... Uppie

NEW ZEALAND SLOT-MACHINES CAN ACCESS THE INTERNET!!!!!

2006-03-23T18:32:00.000-08:00

Greetings to all... I'm sitting here in Taupo... thats a sort of tourist town about an hour and a halfs drive away from home I'm at the four day swim meet I told you about... it's 05.22 in the morning and I am staying in a rather swish motor camp just across from the swimming pool and guess what they have broadband internet... I just love going click click click ... however they are charging me 2 dollars for 14 minutes of net time and I just had to put in another 2 dollar coin... I'm staying with one other man and two women in a very and I mean VERY cozy cabin... let me tell you I have seen enough ageing female flesh to last me a lifetime.. I now only want to see my wifes sagging bits... been eating like a peeg ... and oh gambling hard as well so far I am ahead I have paid for all the accommodation the food and the entertainment.. and I still have more money than I started with... cuddly has just informed me that there is scandal on the Bootery boards about Fiend and I something about tonuges this will cost me another two dollars to go and have a look...
must go money running out ... Uppie

splash

2006-03-18T08:55:00.000-08:00

A very Irish good morning to you all... I say this not in memory of St Patricks day past... but because I like the "oiresh" accent... I have been feeling for a while that I am living my life like a stone skipping across water... as I get older I spend less time in contact with the water and more time whizzing through the air... so this is a splash down moment for me where I sit at the comp and take stock, who knows when or where the next quiet time will be...it's 5.30 in the morning.. I think you get the idea that these early mornings are my only quiet times... I'm listening to my fridge click and tick.. I think it is dying.. as it is about 30 years old it's probably creaking with old age... it's getting harder and harder to be "uppie" these days and I put this down to general decay which means the loss of life force.. this is not a concern just a reality of life that needs adjusting too... swimming has been it's usual summer intrusion though the last regional meet was yesterday and I have one more national meet to attend and thats the finish for this summer season... though the national one is a four day event next week... I am also training for my next marathon (29th April) and feel in pretty good shape for it... I'm sitting here typing to you all and waiting for the sun to come up so I can get on with my 20k training run this morning.... the last thing I have been doing is gathering firewood an annual event with severe physical consequences... not only have I been supplying myself and the mother inlaw but the mother inlaw asked me to supply the lady in the wheelchair across the road ... then people at work asked for some... I have been feeding firewood into nine households... luckily I have been doing it at work and with work paying for the petrol for the chainsaw... also I have had the use of a Bush saw.. this is a saw with a 40 inch bar.. to give you ladies an idea of what this means... this is sort of like having sex with a man with a 12 inch cock... as those of you lucky enough will know... that is some serious penetration... with a saw this size I have been cutting an eighty year old pine logg at home that stands chest high and slicing off rings with one cut... it saves alot of time... as you can see by the sexual reference there is still a bit of uppie in the old dog yet... I ache all over.. some are good aches ie muscles worked hard and gaining strength and others are the aches of failing joints... but all in all... it's good to be me and it's good to know you all...
Bye for now... and please send money not good wishes as my gambling has not been paying lately.............. Uppie

Kilobytes of time....

2006-03-06T23:56:00.000-08:00

Here it is 15 seconds of uppie waffling on tape.. good luck with it as I understand the last one was garbled by computer hickups... it's about my new BBQ.. for those of you who do not have any decent weather it's a cooking device for outdoors... this sucker is a stainless steel, six burner, plus pot burner, two grills and a hot plate, spit turning, four wheeled hooded cooker that could singe half the beef of Texas in one go... I'm very proud of it... so far alI I have cooked are four mince patties... they looked very lonely out there ...(I only fired up two burners).. anyway the reason I am so proud is that it retails for $800 dollars and I got it for $200... reason being it was dropped by some idiot and the frame that holds it to the cabinet got bent... ten minutes of panelbeating and it was all fixed... thats all for now...
uppie looking for a dead cow to singe over and out...

Um, uppie? NEVER use that font-color again! NEVER!

2006-02-24T10:27:00.000-08:00

Greetings to all on a very chilly late summer morning in New Zealand.. as you can see from the font I am not on my home computer.. the crappy work font has no "uppie orange"... the jug is boiling and soon I will be tucking into a hot cup of tea and toast... however to business..

A day or so ago I attended my last school swimming champs... as the triplets are in their last year of school... next year means either university or work for them... the age range at the school is from 12 right through to 18... so from children to young men and women... some of the big girls are wearing bikini's so skimpy they'd have to shave dam hard just to put them on... poor old uppie... lucky with my involvement in swimming I'm rather hardened to the flesh fest.. but these bikini's were a crotch to far...

As for results the triplet boy won all five of his races and will get his name on the honours board in the school hall and he won the backstroke cup... the triplet girl won all five of her races and so gets the honours board thing... the less competitive triplet girl came second or third in all her races as she is in the same races as her sister... the girls are also part of the school house relay team which holds the Junior girls record the intermediate girls record and after the last champs they now hold the senior girls record in the 4x33 and1/3 yard relay... this record should stand for along time.... I'm sort of glad that the school thing is almost over but also sort of sad ...

One last interesting thing that happened to me last night at swimming club... I was sitting on the bench at the end of the pool timekeeping... and this young girl about 13 very attractive blond girl... comes over and sits beside me... and I mean beside... shoulder to shoulder and thigh to thigh... and starts chatting away to me.. all very nice.. but I was most uncomfortable.. obviously nothing sexual.. but dam I don't sit that close to my wife... let alone some dam girl/woman... anyway when I got up to take the time of the swimmer in my lane I sat back down a good eight inches away from her... I think she got the message..

Cheers for now Uppie

I'll have some crazy weirdo nurses, please....ya bugger!

2006-02-17T06:05:00.000-08:00

Good evening... it's hard to know where to start really.. might as well start with Mother.. I got phonecall from my sister asking me to ring... which means trouble... so it was not unexpected when she told me that our Mother was very ill... getting quality information out of her was quite difficult.. so I rang my father to see what the story was... she had cellulitis which, before all you women grab your hips, has nothing to do with fat... it's an infection that gains entrance to the body via a cut and causes blood poisoning... and if it gets into your bones you are really in trouble... anyway this I found out later.. she had been in and out of the doctors taking anti biotic pills and getting injections of the same... this had been going on for two weeks... she had also had an xray which showed the infection had not reached the bones in her foot... anyway when I spoke to dad it was saturday afternoon... he told me she was bed ridden and not eating or drinking... I told him to ring the ambulance and get her into hospital... to which he replied that she did not want to go... my advice was get my brother stand around her bed and don't leave untill she goes to hospital... sigh... the next day we all traveled down to New Plymouth to see what was happening.. when we got there we found her virtualy delerious... it was really worrying as when people get close to death thats how they behave... but as sad as it was and worrying she was really funny... she was trying to convince us that she was fine and kept trying to get out of bed.. insisting that she wanted to go home... as she was hooked up to drips, catheter etc.. this was not a good idea.. dad was mad because he would not listen to her... the nurses were all crazy and weirdos..."they're mad" she said "they're mad".. this went on all day... one thing that I pointed out to the kids later was that she was unfailingly polite saying please and thankyou whenever the nurses did anything for her.. even though she had just been commenting adversely on their mental faculties... the worst word she used was bugger... the only food we could get into her all day was about six spoons of jelly... and even then that was done by using her delerium... she refused anymore after every spoonful but then forgot so we spooned in another... good news though she recovered relatively quickly.. and is now back at home recovering her strength...
as for me I am really busy with swimming.. and this weekend I'm referee at the New Zealand Juniors which is my first national referee appointment... wish me luck and I'll catch up with you all soon as I have a work tale to tell you which also stressed me out over the christmas period...
Cheers Uppie Your Chat God... (retired)

If a tree falls in New Zealand, .... does it go up or down?

2006-01-25T13:50:00.000-08:00

Good morning to you all... my captive audience.. the readers of my own private blogg I have to assume that most of you listen... because the mail does not come back.. however it would be nice to get a signal from some of the long lost contacts... heaven forbid that we would ever start conversing in real time again.. but some of you have been silent for over two years now.. surely there is something I have said that could have shocked you into hitting reply... ok to todays update... not much happening here... however we are now in the third day of a summer storm that has destroyed one of my biggest trees .. it broke in the middle and when it came down it took out two smaller ones... and another big one has been damaged beyond repair and will have to go... the wind is blowing and the rain coming down as I type.. if this keeps up for much longer I'll have no trees left...

cheers from a whimpering uppie

water + laptop = 3-4 day holiday!!!

2006-01-23T22:43:00.000-08:00

As some of you will be aware I have been away for the last four days at the Waikato Swim Champs.. this is a regional competition involving about 260 swimmers... swimming in seven sessions over four days.. It was my first time as Meet Director.. this is the person who runs the show and makes all the decisions regarding the meet process, structure and swim rules.. It's a high preasure job but boy it makes the time fly by... dealing with the ego's of some 50 or so officials and in fact just arranging their schedules and getting them poolside was very trying... the equipment went well.. we run all electronic timing with three laptops and an electronic rear projection scoreboard.. two of the laptops are brand new as is the scoreboard... and a configuration problem with the laptop controling the scoreboard caused alot of grief in session three.. being Meet Director means holding alot of meetings with coaches, team managers and officials... and trying to think of everything...but telling people what to do comes naturaly for me... uppie looks over his shoulder to see if the wife is peeking.. the meet is held in Hamilton which means staying over in a motel.. the plus side of this is that Hamilton has a casino... and you all know my love of gambling... luckily I won a thousand dollars on a pokey machine with this cash in my pocket I then went and played Texas Holdem.. cards is something I really enjoy... and won another one hundred and thirty dollars... I would have played all night but I had to get up for swimming early next morning .. the winnings meant it was an all expenses paid weekend with a little left over for frivilous expenditure... and I did not have to tap into my savings account... I only have one girl who swims competitively now and she won a silver and two bronze medals.. to give you an idea of the level she swims at.. the girl who got gold in her agegroup.. is a new Zealand squad member and only fractions of seconds away from qualifying for the Commenwealth games.. hmmm what else.. well it's raining here and I am on holiday for the next three or four days so maybe I'll go back to bed and snooze..
greetings to all Uppie

...fraught with thought, our little upaut...

2006-01-13T08:58:00.000-08:00

Yanno watching the developement of my teenagers sexuality has become more fraught... with what is it fraught I hear you ask... buggered if I know I'm just fraught... It's not so bad folding the washing and dealing with the "big girl" bras.. the wife is not big... even the skirts and tops that I wouldn't dress a slut in.. yanno well I am old... you even expect to find condoms in the big boys room .. after all he is 19.. even if he is a 19 year old dickhead... but finding a condom in my daughters hipster jeans... well at least it was not a used one ... did I scream "you slut you are destroying the family name"... nope... I swallowed hard and calmly advised them that condoms are not a very good method of contraception.. 60% sucess rate.. blah blah go to the doctor blah blah... I got a good explanation for it's presence.. "it's not mine it's Monique's... I was just minding it for her" ... if you say so girl.. the other thing that is disturbing are the Cleo's the girls are reading... I remember Cleo.. pretty racy stuff in my day .. but full of good sexual advice for young girls.. well hell I had a read.. Oh My God really it is just porn for girls... the sealed section on orgasms was not so bad though it made me cringe.. but the short stories featuring casual sex with strangers for kicks !!! bumping into a man on the subway and casualy fucking him when the lights go out.. this is not safe sex girls....

one last thing while bemoaning this to cuddly.. she informed me that condoms "fall off" how does this happen ... they always seemed a little tight to me... also and this was new knowledge for uppie.. they can get lost up there.. and women go to the doctor to get them removed... ok girls this is confession time... have you ever lost a condom... hmmm... just where the hell do they go... or if you have any good condom stories please feel free to share them with us all...

Cheers Uppie... fraught

You're a diahrrea-infected one....Mister Grinch....

2005-12-22T08:39:00.000-08:00

A very merry christmas to you all... this is from someone who is the christmas grinch.. soon the christmas crap will be over for another year.. and I can get back to the ebb and flow of my normal life.. thankyou to all the cards you have sent me and do not expect any in return.. though one day I might suprise you all.. I might get some christmas spirit and and... nup forget it... there is not much to tell you about... probably what is not helping my mood is the fact that I have been sick for umm. six days now... what started out as a raging sore throat with general aching body and head ache... has moved through my body.. the sore throat was so bad my glands were bulging out the side of my neck.. even my teeth were aching... though the throat thing has faded the glands are still sore and my throat is raw... the bacteria causing this problem have moved further down the digestive tract.... saddly my anus is no longer a sphincter but is a discharge valve... yesterday it got stuck in the open position.. hence I'm now sitting at the computer having decided stuff work I have been going to work for four days sick... It's time for a sickie...I just wish the weather was abit better... ok enough of grumpy uppie.. I do sincerely wish you all the very best.. and I was really pissed when I realised I had missed the Bootery xmas party... I was in bed sleeping... sigh.. I understand Dolf and mech are getting married could I please have this confirmed by management.. oh thats right I was saying goodbye Goodbye

skinnyer then lynard skynard

2005-12-06T09:06:00.000-08:00

OOOhhhh k... due to popular demand... well from some of you... it is I uppie with more news from the land down beside the land down under... My daughter did not get head girl status.. she got down to the last two and was interviewed for the position but the other bitch umm sorry the other candidate got the position... her name is Lorren Cresswell sounds very head girlish does it not... anyway I was dissapointed.. not for the loss of status.. but the loss of opportunity for growth that the position represented.. never mind... after my failure in the auckland marathon I have upped my training regime.. which means when I'm not on here I'm eating running or sleeping... next marathon is in rotorua in aprill... I'm even skinnyer than ever.. I don't like to look at photo's of myself no more... but I'm also fitter than ever compensation I spose.. ok time to go you all take care out there... and any naked photo's of yourselves feel free to post to me... ahh Jerk not you...

uppie

vomitting for fun & stature

2005-10-30T12:04:00.000-08:00

Well everyone... after my performance... read in to this the lack of... while competing in the Aucland Marathon it maybe time to reconsider my devotion to the sport of self flagerlation by way of moving the feet often over long distance... this being the morning after however the pain is rapidly fading into the realm of the warm glow of accomplishment... for those of you that know Auckland the run takes from Devonport across the Harbour bridge.. this being the main reason for attempting the run... then through the central business district out around the bays to the turn around point back along the bays and through the business district to the finish... things were looking bad for me at the 28 k mark.. and by the 35 k mark I was had it and had come to the conclusion that I was not going to finish... by this time I had had three sit downs and was on my third and what I thought was my last total lay down head on hands totaly sprawled out on the grass.... sort of moaning and feeling sorry for myself... a combination of exhaustion, heatstroke and really just feeling sick had put an end to me.. my last grass flop was at about the 39 k mark which is really dpressing because it's only 3 k to the finish... however I was rescued by the ambulance people and after vomiting up all the water I had drunk during the run... I started to feel alot better and off I went again ... in fact I ran the last two K's to the finish... this was a hell of a suprise to me considering how sick I was before that I could not even stand up let alone walk... I think I was about third to last.. but the welcome you get as you stumble across the finish is amazing most distance runners understand what you go through and how hard you have to fight sometimes to make the finish...

just as an amusement for you... I'm running a virus scan using avg and microsoft spyware.. I regret to inform you that my comp has HIV bordering on full blown AIDs... something called Adware Generic BVB.. it does not sound too bad... but it seems to be in everything... When you have read this email I suggest you burn your computer...

best wishes to you all... uppie

the "headgirl" controversary

2005-10-29T08:34:00.000-07:00

I just had to rush to the comp and let you guys know.... well I was examining my ass in the mirror... as you do... [ No, Only Fiend does that...] this is not something males do often... but it is a fact of human nature that all females are cognisant of... anyway I was not really examining my butt I was looking at my tan... as you know I sunbathe nekkid.. did you know you get two white triangles of flesh right where the tops of your thighs meet the cheeks of your ass... I had never noticed that before.. the other thing that has happened and I know you guys are rolling your eyes.. it's very boring for people to waa on about their own children... not nearly as interesting as my ongoing battle with the legion of sluggs sliding round my kitchen... however my other daughter.. not the prospective headgirl. [There's just something wrong about that phrase... ]. the sporty one [Does that mean Dike? ] has been selected for the National Youth Developement Squad for netball... the upshot of this being it puts her in the top 50 or so girls in the country in this sport... but the aim for these girls is to be selected to represent New Zealand at the world youth champs in 2009... it's a long way from that but it is the beginning... now ain't that a whole lot more interesting than snail trails round the kitchen... lastly I'm running in the Auckland Marathon this weekend so on sunday... thats saturday for you canadians... think of me and my sweatyness.... [I'd rather NOT picture you sweaty, thanks anyway... ]

Cheers Uppie Your chat god

Uppie talking about snail trails...LOL...perfect!!

2005-10-25T11:56:00.000-07:00

Hmmm ... now what was I going to tell you all.. oh yes ... an update on the slug invasion.. as I have already told you... thats if you read my entertaining and enlightening dirge's .. I don't even know if thats a word or if it applies to this medium but I feel like a bit of a dirge... ok ok I hear you say.. back to the sluggs... as you know at first I thought it was one slugg crawling around and living on the crumbs on the kitchen floor... with four teenagers these crumbs are really a feast... and I must say a slugg can cover an aweful lot of ground overnight.. judging by the snail trails left in the morning... and although silvery and extensive they are very easy to clean up with no unpleasant odour or residue... well I thought it was one which I duely caught and threw outside... but the morning trails continued.. I have subsequently caught and thrown outside two more sluggs... of good size and obviously well fed... you'll note that I'm too soft to execute them... but this morning still more trail snails... oh by the way to effect capture means to get up in the wee hours to catch them when they are foraging.. and I have not the heart to use the snail poison on them.. but I'm starting to think that it is only one slugg and the bastard is sneaking back inside...

I remain Uppie The Faithless God To All Chat Ho's

do the hippy hippy shake

2005-10-20T15:35:00.000-07:00

I just got back from my trip to Wellington last night... I attended the CTU conference as a delegate for the Dairy Workers Union... for those of you that do not live in New Zealand... and that is most of you... the CTU is the Union organisation that the Unions affiliate too to promote our political and national agendas... we have just elected a Labour Government in this country thats left wing to you Americans... so we went to a reception at parliment and hobb nobbed with the Prime Minister and her cronies... a group of us got invited down to the inner offices to party on... I got reasonably sloshed and spent the next day regreting it... the best thing I spose was eating out and not paying for it... the delegates to the conference ... numbering about 200... are a bunch of large ego union secretaries... organisers..
and political junkies which made for some interesting discussions... the organisation is also a magnet for lesbians queers and other assorted riff raff with adgendas to push.(imagine a whole bunch of Fiends all showing off their ass's) uppie just fitted right in there.. Wellington as a city is one that I really like because there are so many weird people there... think of Fiend again and a bunch of Jerks... we went out for dinner at this great resteurant called The Matterhorn.. the food was very good and the service professional... but all the staff were shaved head ..body pierced... tattoed faggots in army uniforms... all very pretty boys...I almost and I stress almost realised why faggots are gay... as usual I gambled as much and as often as I could and came home with an extra 60 dollars in my pocket... before& I came home this lady that I was traveling with and I
went and visited Te Papa which is our national museum... the day before they had had some peace protesters down there causing trouble... this woman I was with is a dreadlocked hippy type... sort of cool but straight people only see what they see... anyway there were three security gaurds at the door... well as we breezed in they sort of closed in on us... I did not realise what was going on and made the usual smart Uppie remarks... to the tune of ... " do you want to search our bags".. then we just carried on walking... It was not till later that I realised that they were serious... but that they did not have to nerve to pull us up...Dam in New Zealand we just do not put up with that security crap.. it's just such a safe country we live in... it never occured to me that we were on the verge of being arrested...
I hope it never comes to the point in this country where just because someone has dreadlocks and dress's sort of weird like that people automaticaly assumes you are dangerous...

Cheers Uppie your chat god (retired)

please excuse the spelling as my crappy spell check did not work

another day in the boring life of the southern Upsidedownia resident

2005-10-14T22:43:00.000-07:00

Everytime I logg on lately I intend to send you all out an Uppie date ... but then I get distracted... usualy by someone female.... and well... you know how it goes... so today I'm going to try and let you know whats up in the world of Uppie... those of you with a modicum of attention span not devoted to your own navel or internet porn ... (fiend and guru) would know that it's almost summer here in New Zealand and this means it's swim season... as a referee it means a busy time for me... I spent all day at a swim meet today... the hightlight being that my daughter won the Skins race which is where they race over 25 meters again and again untill there are only two swimmers left (the losers keep dropping out) it's a feat of endurance and speed.... then the winner takes all the prize being $200.. she was most pleased with this and the two daughters have gone out to 10 pin bowling for the night... she did shout me a coco cola drink...hmmmm. I had a meeting yesterday where I was in the running for a trip to South America... specificaly seven days in Buenos Aries.. if that is spelt right.. I missed out on this but I was given a three day trip to a conference in Wellington instead not as adventurous as South America but very interesting for me personaly... a week or two ago my wifes brother had a heart attack which meant the four sisters got together at our place then we ferried them up to Auckland along with the mother to visit him on his deathbed.. (so to speak)... he was in a pretty bad way and had had an operation to open up his arteries.. but the sisters being what they are sat around his bed cackling and laughing (along with a few tears) and making jokes and snide remarks at his expense... it reminded me of the Bootery in full flight.. he is going to be ok and is alot better as I type this... ok thats enough crap... I miss you all alot and it would be nice to know which of you have me blocked and deleted... or are you really getting mail from me after all these years and reading it... are you stupid.....
Cheers for now Uppie

Kids are messy and noisy and dirty filthy creatures...

2005-08-25T10:14:00.000-07:00

ok people this will have to be a short one as the teenage triplets want the comp for homework...
yanno I really love my life ... living in rural New Zealand is just fantastic.. I was driving home the other day from work... my factory is out in the country as is my home... and the sun was shining the scenery was as usual fantastic.. it was back country roads all the way which means no traffic... I thought ... god has been good to me... however the rising tide of household filth is starting to wear on me... having four teenagers means a constant round of cleaning and the problem is you never get on top of it no matter how fast you work or how hard you try... and what a teenage boys bum can do to a toilet only a bottle of bleach can dissolve... talking of the teenage boys bum... it's him thats nagging me to get off the computor....
I will get back to you as soon as possible all the best from Uppie.

New Zealand Graduations

2005-07-02T19:33:00.000-07:00

well people the school ball has been and gone... in a whirls of hairdo's, makeup and endless fussing punctuated by screams and snarls... usually at me when i tried to proffer good advice... i did not comment on the overdone makeup.. nor did i say " it makes you look fat".. i took endless photo's but that was not good enough for the wife... so she ordered another eighty dollars worth from the professional photographers taken at the ball... we dropped the girls at a preball party... then when to the venue to await their arrival... it was like movie stars arriving at a premier... girls we have known since kindergarten... done up and strutting... the boys cutting a dash in suited finery.. they all looked so good poor old uppie started feeling nostalgic and missing his youth.. i would love to send out some photo's of the triplets all dolled up.. however someone will have to teach me how to do it... as i have tried and tried but so far with a distinct lack of success...

i remain yours... uppie the faithless... chat god ( retired )

Boredom & schmaltz

2005-06-25T20:30:00.000-07:00

greetings to all and sundry who still tune in to uppie's adventures inside his own brain... uppie's view of his reality bears no resemblance what so ever to that reality... however in his own words....

hi all... it's been a busy last couple of weeks, as my Canadian friends sleep, snug and mostly alone in their beds, i will recount for you the tedium of my existence... it is a dark and stormy night here the wind howls around the house and rain squalls wash across the roof intermittently... the last couple of weekends have been spent in Auckland, which is about two and a half hours away by car, watching one of my daughters play age group net ball against the best teams in the country.... they have been getting thrashed mostly so this has been sort of a slow torture.. with hours of boring driving on either side of the afore mentioned event... however big girls in very short skirts has been of some recompense...

the last week i spent in Rotorua, which is the cultural capital of New Zealand and a must stop on the tourist trail.... i was attending the annual congress of the Dairy Workers Union.. this is where all the site delegates get together for a bit of rest and recreation, education oh and booze and food... there are about seventy five of us staying in the hotel... this hotel is also host to busloads of American and Canadian kids who seem to do the whole tourist thing... whenever i hear the canadian accent i cannot resist asking which part they are from and have they heard of the fiend... we have a number of speakers from local politicians to a consultant on international relations... it is also where we discuss proposed changes to the rules and policy of our organization... it's a week i enjoy because i am mixing with intelligent people who more importantly share the same political and social views that i have... well mostly anyway.. on a personal level... well there is the food and the booze... but the best part is i do not have to go to work or go home... ( it is the only holiday i get ) ... there are women to flirt with ( no touching of course ) places to gamble.. ( i lost all my money ) ... and i returned home refreshed and ready to resume the burdon of everyday life... oh i forgot to mention that i got myself elected to the national executive, this body being charged with the day to day running and the financial performance of the Union.. i continued my campaign for election to the post of president.. this position becoming vacant in a years time... i take note that this email is very dry... but i'm feeling rather dry at the moment...

in closing i would say that i miss you all especially the ones i have not had contact with for ages... some of you know each other and some of you know none of my other contacts.. hi to you clariece i hope you are still well and happy... annie i miss your warm persona that fairly glowed from the screen... in fact all of you that have touched my life in various ways.. i know that we move on and have no real point of contact and in fact nothing of relevance to say to each other .. but i hope you remember me with the affection that i do you.. ( especially for you beaklit ).. ok enough schmaltz... as you know this is uppie and all titty flashes will be gratefully received..

i remain as always uppie the faithless

whipped and loving it

2005-06-10T22:47:00.000-07:00

this is going to be a sort of rambling uppie thing.... with no punctuation crappy grammar.. in other words just the usual shit typed in a hurry behind the wife's back...it's also late... a couple of weeks back we loaded up the truck and went to Auckland... yes the okauia hill billies went to the big city.. ostensibly to purchase gowns for the girls as they are about to attend their college ball... in reality it was an excuse for uppie and Mrs. uppie to gamble the night away at the casino.... which we did till two in the morning.... we left the triplets at Kiri's sisters place... lucky we were staying there as Kiri's sister had woke us up the next morning... dragging our weary and bleary asses out of bed.... after a quick shower and breakfast.. we loaded up the van with aunty triplets and cousins .. oh and phonebook for dress shop addresses and headed into town... this was my first shopping trip with women.. i tell you all now it is also my last... girl tries on dress.. girl asks father what he's thinks... father says yes buy that one... girls starts to um and err... aunty turns up with another 5 more 1000 dollars dresses to try on... after an hour of this father starts staring wistfully at the cozy little casino bar across the street... then and i mean an " oh for gods sake " then ... we drive across town to restart the whole process at another dress shop.. then another.. then it's lunchtime at some mall which luckily does not have a suitable dress shop... and sadly no casino bar... by this time i'm punch drunk... i throw my wallet at the women and plead.. " buy something "... " anything "... and after another 3 hours they do... i must say the girls look good and it only cost 800 dollars for the two dresses... though they are one time wear dresses... it was then dump the triplets with the cousins.. and aunty and kiri and i went back to the casino to try and recoup last nights losses and pay for the dresses.. which thankfully... although we did not win enough to pay for the dresses we got back our losses and won a couple of hundred which paid the weekends food and petrol expenses... the last funny thing that happened at the casino was.. well i ballsed up the parking ticket and had to return to the casino to get it fixed while the women waited in the car fuming.. you know how women are... anyway being the gambling addict i am i could not resist dropping some coins in a machine that said "play me"... as you know all machines say this.. anyway after two spins the bastard gave me another 130 dollars.. i cashed this and then ran out of the place... the 130 buckaroos placated the fuming women... then it was drive all night to return too the green acres we call home..... i will repeat for all you women and for all you men to take note of.. do not get dragged into a shopping trip for dresses for women by women... enlist.. go to war... anything..
cheers uppie

"Wear a thong" kinda ryhmes with "marathon". don't it?

2005-05-12T12:45:00.000-07:00

I was lying in bed sick... the phone rang... it rang some more... fek it would not stop ringing.. I rolled out of bed in a wave of nausea... it was some man asking for my wife by her official name... meaning it was someone from the police... tax department... or any asshole beauracrat... "no ... she is at work " I replied... he must have been able to tell from my tone that i was not happy... cause he hung up in my ear... I crashed back into bed... crap too fekking late... can't get back to sleep... so here I am annoying you lot...
I ran the marathon last weekend.. I got to the 30 k mark in 2 hours 57 minutes.. I know this cause there is a huge digital clock which told me so... it then took me 2 hours and 8 minutes to complete the last 12 k's.... despite being fitter than last year the crash when it came was alot worse.. in fact it was so bad that I thought I was not going to be able to stagger across the finish line... the only thing that made me get there was the t-shirt that you get for finishing... never mind there is always next year... when I got home instead of resting up the wife and I went to the casino and gambled till three in the morning... starting out with two hundred dollars I twice got down to my last twenty dollar note... and worked my cash reserve back up to two hundred plus.. I ended up walking out with one hundred and thirty which was very frustrating considering how much effort I had put in.... just like the marathon there is always next time...
as an aside.. if there are any of you out there that want me to chop you off my mail list please advise... as i only want to irritate those nearest and dearest...
ciao for now and my best wishes to you all... especialy the female ones

use.... less.... stupid... period spacing...

2005-05-10T07:50:00.000-07:00

I wrote a huge uppiedate and then attempted to save it to draft. However, I lost it. As you will have noticed by now I am attempting to write with full punctuation. This is because Fiend, in all his wisdom, decided to blogg my emails and some asshole, I think his name was John, said my dot, dot dot, pauses were stupid. Well suck shit asshole. Lets get to the real subject matter which is the Triplets birthday. What started out as a simple family lunch and a teenage boozy frolic in the evening turned into lunch for one hundred (we had seating for eighty) and about seventy teens turned up to drink the night away. Thank God for family, we put down a hangi, this is where you dig a hole in the ground, about thigh deep, light a big fire to heat a whole pile of rocks, dump the rocks in the hole, put the meat and vegetables you wish to roast in a basket, lower the basket onto the rocks, cover with cloth and wet sacks, cover with earth, then dig it up two hours later and eat. Prepare a whole lot of seafood salads, chowders, and yummy tidbits and you have a feast to feed the masses. The feature for me though was the pineapple pie, it would have made Fluffies toes curl, I thought of you hun when I ate it. As you would realize the preparation and execution of this event was a monumental drain on Uppie's financial and personal resources. I gave a speech which had my sensitive daughter sobbing (this was most discombobulating in front of a crowd) and later that night, in fact the next morning as I tucked the drunken slitch into bed, she gave me slobbery kisses and told me how much she loved me even though she does not show it much. I must say i disengaged myself from her vomit breathed charms assuring her that I new this. As for the party it went well, the behavior was exceptional, not even any ugly drunk type stuff, I only had one vomiting comatose drunk that I had to make sure kept breathing through the night. I thought of you Fiend as I fulfilled this duty. I turned off the music at twelve thirty and told them all to bugger off, which they did with good grace, though it took till three in the morning to get the last of them away. I thought I would sleep in, however I was up at five the next morning, to check on comatose drunken vomit boy, he reminded me again of Fiend, so I decided to start cleaning up. This activity continued for the next three days. In closing all I can say is thank god it's over. Next up is the twenty first, luckily I get a five year rest before that one. Oh and John you faggot does this pass muster you punctuation nazi.

excuses excuses excuses

2005-05-10T07:34:00.000-07:00

greetings to you all... the long and the short and the tall.... the fat and the thin ones... the old and the young ones... enough enough already... as most of you will have noticed uppie has not been online alot lately... in fact not at all really... the reasons for this is... manyfold... but to give you all the short story... I am very busy getting the house ready for the triplets 16th birthday... oh my god... sigh sigh and dammit sigh... it seems to have grown like topsy... lots of family from all over the country have decided to turn up.. I have been painting cleaning and repairing the house... buying party tents.... arranging food.. it's only 10 days to go.. hell have not even worked out the booze side of it... it's been a night and day effort and I'm still not at a point where I think I'm ready for the influx of hungry people.... obviously I will give you all the gossip once the party is over...