me

Fans and assorted acolytes… I am settling into my work routine here after various dust ups… but then dust ups are just part of who I am… I have worked out after many years that even though I am mostly chicken shit…. I am what is known as a risk taker… as opposed to someone who never risks… that means I have a propensity to do stuff that could damage me…thank god I mostly do not get caught... as for the home front well the ML (mother in law) continues to tick along… though last night she hit the morphine hard took about three doses going from the syrup to the heavy duty pills… I leave for work before she is up and about so I do not know how she is this morning… but I would guess not good….

As for the good stuff… well … after many years I have bought my new chainsaw… it’s a 660 Stihl… this is the Rolls Royce of chainsaws and is what is known as a bush saw… all the forestry crews use this type… there is only one saw bigger in the range and that is an 880… I had it fitted with a 30 inch bar… as all women know there is nothing more useful than a big bar…… what this means is that I can now slice and dice big trees… two of which I have down at the moment waiting to be cut…

Now that is a good story… I was sitting in the bath (at home) doing bathy things… next thing I hear the crack, crack, crack of a big tree getting ready to fall… trust me I know this sound… it was so loud and close that I assumed it was one of the three big Lawson trees behind the house… and consequently within striking range of the bathroom and the bath tub…. It was too late to do anything… and anyway the choice was to run around the house naked or to die where I sat… being chicken shit I chose inaction and to cringe with every part of my body… trust me it felt safer… there was a humungous crunching crash and I went from concern for myself to concern for the cars parked out the back… on investigation I discovered that the 100 year old granddaddy pine 25 metres from the back door of the house was down… the noise was so loud neighbours from half a mile away came to see what had happened… the good thing is that I now have five years of firewood delivered almost into the fireplace and a big bar saw to deal to it… it’s all very male and manly…

I remain old and tired Uppie The Tasteless

Uppie*bleep*date

It's 2 fifteen in the morning here and it has taken me 20 minutes to to get to this page.... and you wonder why I never play silly facebook games and all the other online detritus...

Whine whine... dial up... whine grizzle... broad band etc... thats better and anyway you have heard it all before... lets get to the main event... it may be too late for all you old bags out there... no I did not call you an old bag... if you feel insulted it's because you have put yourself in that category... I just elucidated it... fek knows if that words quite right ... but hell... call me Sarah Palin and run me for President...

As I said old bags ... nada... but for a young thing like Shrimp this may be useful...

Kissing and Cuddling... yes girls thats the subject... the standard whine is... "you never kiss and cuddle me" followed by "You only kiss and cuddle me when want a f..." I did write the word but it made me cringe must be getting prissy in my dotage...

let me tell you the facts around this male female miss communication... the reason we do not kiss and cuddle is because once a woman reaches a certain age (read old bag here)... and she sidles up to you all slinky like... and as soon as you feel that warm soft skin and get a whiff of that feminine scent behind her ears and theres that firm pressure of her other assets through her clothing... its a natural thing start sliding your hand down to where the sun don't shine... well the thighs close like a vice and you get the second line that I quoted above...

Now girls... listen good.. its not that we don't want too (kiss and cuddle)... but there lies the path to sexual frustration.. best to not go there... saves grief and as for the second line...it's not that we do it because we want to bleep you... wanting to bleep is a natural result for the male of the kiss and cuddle... Shrimp I hope this is of assistance to you in the 10 or so years of sexual activity you have left... oh yes shrimp it does run out and sooner than you will expect... as for the rest of you in the immortal words of Tosh.O...

Na na a boo boo stick your head in Doo Doo

Uppiedate

Sorry to be in your mailbox so soon.... just a word on the reason I write this stuff... I write it to amuse myself hopefully it amuses you'all ... if not you should know how to block and delete... I do not expect replies... though to those of you that do... thanks I like it...

The reason you are on the list is because at some point in the last eight years you have amused me and I have enjoyed your personalities and attitudes.... especially those of you from the bootery... they were good days...

I absolutely hate facebook... I only really keep it because the kids are on there... do not be suprised if I get pissed and dump it...

last thing I have been away so long that I am still getting to grips with windows live if I make any mistakes please do not yell...

Cheers

THE EARTHQUAKE

Dammit ya'll ... I essay and exposay the minuet e of my pathetic life and all I get back is your concerns about the earthquake... let me remind you that the subject of the previous Uppiedate was "ME (of course)" It's by me about me and funnily enough FOR me... I do not even let family read this stuff...

Ok lets do the wrap on the quake... New Zealand is situated on, and I say right on the edge of the Pacific and Australasian tectonic plates... in fact the line of force or the "crack" for you ignorant fekkers neatly divides both Islands right up the middle... creating a string of dormant, inactive and active volcano's.... what this means is we get heaps of earth quakes of all sizes hence the nick name for the land of my birth "The Shaky Isles" ... I have experienced a few... mostly they give you a jolt and a laugh ... there have been a couple where I have been thinking... "If this does not stop soon I'm gunna get outa bed and do something" I do not know the hell what.. but maybe it is better to die running in panic than just lying there thinking about running in panic... anyway have not got out of bed yet... as for the Christchurch one it was a "get outa bed and run" quake... it was the same magnitude and proximity to life as the Haiti quake but you will notice it did not kill anyone... more luck than anything... but as I have lectured you people we are one lucky country... we have building standards etc which protect us... yes our local media are talking up the damage but quite frankly a few buildings fell down... only the old ones... and if your house happened to straddle the fault line it got split in two... the rest of us are fine and anyway it gives the government an excuse to spend money on real peoples physical needs instead of giving money to rich people who invested unwisely... (had to get that plug in there)

The real interesting thing is that we have a caldera... thats the big hole a volcano leaves when it explodes... called Lake Taupo... thats the water that filled it... that has erupted 29 times in the last 28,000 years... about every 700 years... the last time it went bang was 1700 years ago... even the Chinese noticed the glow in the sky and recorded it... (their civilization is way longer than ours) .. so it is overdue for it's next one...I think I live far enough away to avoid instant death.. but I am probably close enough to be pissed off by the ash cloud...

Fluffy as for the Financial stuff... do not get me started...

Diego... you are special.. you are one of the few male contacts I have that talks to me I appreciate that and enjoy your personality..

On that note I have pissed off most of the girls as well...

I remain seriously arrogant.... old bitter and unrepentant...

Uppie the faithless

me of course

Good morning to all of you... I hate to whine but feel I must... I started this... hang on this color is not right... snicker remember Uppie orange... OK I started this Uppiedate thing to amuse and inform a large group of people... this was obviously prior to facebook... if I had had any techo brains I could of invented facebook and made some money... never mind... Diego commented the other day that he missed my cynical asshole sense of humor... he is right ... sadly Diego after eight years of this online stuff I only have cynical left... I keep getting the urge to wipe my Facebook account and one day will... as I feel it does not provide me with the conversational outlet that I enjoy... as many of you keep telling me that you enjoy or should I say used to enjoy my ramblings... (if you really do .. good... if you are just humoring me.. please continue to do so)... I feel it is my duty (neigh as in horse) my religious obligation to continue the assault...

It's three in the morning here and I have been up since midnight keeping the mother in law company... as you know she is end lifing so to speak and though in a good patch as compared to a month ago... has been hitting the morphine over the last couple of days... there are two aspects to looking after her... the physical is not to bad... some times an effort but not really a burden for as a family we share it out... the other side is the emotional... her realization that her time on earth is limited and that with her illness and age things are not going to be pleasant... brings out emotions in all of us that are.. given the situation some times helpful but often not... so when your boss tells you that you and your fellow workers are a "team" and that you are all on a "journey" together... tell him to fuck off as he will be some single poser who does not know what team, journey or even together actually mean... did I mention I have lost my sense of humor... anyway it's good that mummy in law has a sense of humor... though even that fails her at times... as when you are really sick nothing really helps...

Subject three... the world financial situation... alright close your collective mouths people... for many years I have made a point of studying economics... not just the business side of reports, performance, markets etc... but the psychology of money and behaviors... it's a fascinating subject and very broad... if you want a good book try anything by Joseph Stiglitz (I love how Jews have those cute little Z'ds in their names)... I had an accountant tell me once many years ago that he would never invest money in the share market as it was run by crooks and thieves... at the time I thought he was a little bit strong on it... shows how much I knew... I thought that the Enron's etc were aberrations as all walks of life have their criminal elements... however again shows you how much I know... The one thing I have learned is that the rich and powerful make their living by sucking the life out of the rest of us... and thats fine because we let them do it and deserve what we get... no... the worst thing arising from the current financial morass is that the rich and powerful now know that there are no limits as to what they can do to us... they gambled away our life savings our job security and our faith in the financial system... then when they ran out of money ... the politicians that they have in their pockets told them... "never mind... we will replace all the money you have lost and tax your original victims to recoup our costs" ... hmmm I feel I'm paying twice here... at least Al Capone was an honest bastard...

obviously the situation is way more complicated than that... and I will cease to bore you anymore...

I will always remain

Uppie the Faithless (retired)

and looking for my sense of humor

by the way Fiend tell me about your new woman..

Shrimp greetings to you..

Fluffy you promised me email traffic... (insert growly face with a wink) I could never be mad at you..