Bless The Broken Road

Ok I promised.. so here it is .. I sit in the early (very) morning putting finger to keyboard.. when I clicked the above addy’s it will be with interest to myself which will come back dead so to speak… anyway… the events I am about to relate to you all may be of interest to you, they may not.. but they are of interest to me, not so much the events themselves but my emotional understanding of and reaction to them which is still in a state of flux…

I am adopted.. and have been aware of this state of paternal and maternal legality for as long as I can remember… it is something that does affect you and that you have to come to terms with but to do that from a very young age.. between five and ten years I came to an understanding of what adoption meant and how others regarded the morality of my birth… not all good..

With the arrival of my own children.. the need? The desire? The curiosity? .. who knows maybe it is just something innate that desires to know origin, led to me seeking my birth mother … it was not a long search and it led me to a mother two half sisters and a brother… meeting my mother was like meeting someone I already knew… a confirmation that your genetic heritage is the dominating force of your id as opposed to the influence of nurture on your ego … it was discombobulating my realisation that I knew not so much what she was thinking but how she thought… she was so like me in many ways… I have a good relationship with her and a reasonable relationship with one of my half-sisters… my iron rule with this stuff is not to intrude and also not to let them intrude on me and mine… all this occurred thirty years ago.. so I have had plenty of time to digest, resolve, restore my equilibrium… when you find additional family members you then take on additional emotional and spiritual (I do not know if this is the right term.. best I could do) responsibility/obligation… as the explanation of fatherhood was vague and I could see no value in the pursuit I was happy to leave things alone..

With the advent of DNA and the ability to cheaply research your genetic heritage… my younger son did a DNA test and found that he was 30% Polish as this cannot have come from his mother it meant I was at least 60% Polish… this was unexpected.. also he had found and with the rashness of youth started communicating with a woman who from his understanding of the DNA protocols (and the fact that my other half sister had also shown up) had to be my half sister on my fathers side.

And in fact she is.. maybe I would have left it there .. I certainly would have put a lot more thought into making contact.. if I had made contact at all… this decision was taken from me… all to the good I suppose… as I would not know and be where I am today…

Maria is 99% Polish a disappointment for her and points to the fact that the Polish do not get out much… she is an only child who has always wanted an older brother .. and suddenly here I am… her enthusiasm for our situation is at once daunting and infectious and though wary have found myself warming to her open acceptance of all circumstance surrounding us… Her Father and his brother came to New Zealand as part of the Pahiatua (that’s a place in NZ) Polish orphans (800 of them) migration to New Zealand. The division of Poland by the Germans and the Russians left my fathers family on the Russian side he and his family were swept up and shipped to forced labour camps in Russia after much privation (think starvation) he and two bothers survived… when Russia became an ally of the west.. Britain insisted that the Polish deportees had to be released as Poland was not an option they were shipped to Persia (now Iran) and kept there till the end of the war… at this time the option was return to Poland under Russian rule or go else ware… obviously they chose the latter .. one brother moving to Canada and the other two to New Zealand..

The problem being with one possible father deceased and an Uncle still alive but unaware.. it took some slightly devious DNA testing to confirm that Marias father was my own….

I have a Maori wife and have political, economic and social radical (you would think) attitudes to the ways of the world (where the hell do you think my cynical nature derives)  .. suffice to say Maria is as far away from me as chalk from cheese on all the afore mentioned fronts… this is not bad nor good just fact…  

So after just getting to grips with all of this… having had no time to draw breath… my boy comes to me and says.. there is another.. this time older and half Maori man who must be my half-brother… WTF… best description .. sweet weepin jeebus..  My father when he came back from deaths door must have had a relaxed attitude to all things… note here that I do not judge just observe… he fathered a child with a Maori girl that he also did not take responsibility for… I had to snicker slightly because now it was Marias turn to be surprised and discombobulated… we have all met and have come to and are still coming to terms with this new family situation and I am certainly happy to have met and have no regrets with progress so far… though the juggling of all the family interconnections sends me into a spin at times…

To sum up Pita (brother) was aware of his fathers and background prior to DNA . Maria (sister) obviously knew her father but not about us… I was unaware of any of them… so my attitude is more distant and cold as opposed to theirs… I now have a massive family on my side of the equation whereas before (genetically speaking) it was just me… I am sad that at the end of my days (60) not the end yet but certainly diminished vitality… I just wish this had happened 30 years ago…

Ok so there it is (sigh) I cannot do justice to the emotional upheaval with my written words you will just have to read between the lines…

Cheers Uppie… I have not used him for a long while..

PAY NO ATTENTION TO THIS BLOGS TAG LINE! IT SHOULD READ AS THE FOLLOWING:

"Hello I am a fool but I like to think I have learned something in 59 years."

welcome to the jungle sweet child of mine

Good morning … and I mean morning… it’s early.. and for the last couple of hours I have been listening to myself think… and I hate that .. so.. I thought I may as well make you listen to me think as well… misery loves company… not that I am miserable in the biblical sense, it’s just that as you get older you have memories and thoughts that are painful.

I had a gap of two or three years .. which only Fiend noticed by the way.. where I wrote nothing… well there are reasons for that… not that I would hesitate to burden you with them but that I hesitate to burden myself.. anyway welcome to the jungle sweet child of mine as I also have an appetite for self destruction….

You can hold back your sympathetic, pat on the back replies as this is not what this is about, as all of us, as we age, will suffer the vagaries of life as that is the beauty life … if we live long enough we all get our turn…  I wish that applied to wealth.. but then that is a whole nother story… (look I just invented a word)

Two getting close to three years ago now my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer… we were sort of expecting it… the diagnoses I mean.. cause you go through the lump thing … the biopsy… then the doctor gives you the good news… which even though you are hoping will be good you are expecting to be bad… anyway, along with other stuff in life ,birth, death and marriage stuff.. the effect was greater than anticipated.. when I got home I had to go to bed.. because the emotional effect was so strong as to result in physical symptoms.. I got sick… dam…

So the Doctors tell you about the treatment plans and options and that the survival rates are in the 80 to 90% range blah blah blah etc.. doesn’t sound so bad…then you have the biopsy and talk to the chemo specialists and they have little charts.. and suddenly it’s grade three aggressive with hormone receptors and the little computer graphic tells you the odds are 50/50 but look if you take this pill for five years, which has horrible side effects, the graphic changes to 60/40 in your favour…

Anyway mastectomy or lumpectomy.. we chose lumpy.. sounds cuter with a y, also less destructive on the advice that survival rates are the same… we did the chemo thing for six months… the wigs were interesting.. though the permanent nerve damage is not something they advertise .. the radiotherapy probably the easiest treatment.…

My gripe is… and I am the gripeyist  gripe.. is that after all this treatment over nine months if not a year in total.. you are told… “Well… if nothing happens in the next five years.. you are regarded as cured”.. thanks Doctor… so really we are no better off mentally than we were on the day of diagnosis.. however not that I am ungrateful.. skilled and compassionate people did wonderful stuff and we have the best chance we can get… but now we wait..

Cheers…. me…

Fonzie

I bet you did not expect another of these.. this is not what I want to write about but that subject is still too raw to put fingers to keyboard so to speak… so I will tell you about “The Fonz” … I met him through work… at a company called Siesmagraphic Services Ltd which was sub contracted to Shell Oil to search for oil within the Taranaki prospect… He got his nickname because he was the antithesis of cool… He was weedy, weak, slightly deformed and crippled… he walked with a limp… he could barely see even with his coke bottle glasses and even though he was working with a crew of low life ruffians, including myself, he was well liked by all… He was educated in British private schools where children of his stature and condition are basically tortured by the children of the elite… I visited him at the home of his parents in New Plymouth once and learned that he was the son of a Shell Oil executive… the mansion he lived in evidence of the wealth and privilege that he came from.. obviously his father at a loss with what to do with him got him a job through his industry position… he showed me a picture of his bother and sister… they were both blue eyed blonde haired beauties… think of the bachelor and his bimbos.. these two had it all.. good looks… education …wealth… his bother was Captain of the first eleven.. Captain of the first fifteen… and even then I thought to myself you poor bastard when god dished out the lollies in your family you were nowhere to be found… and after all those problems in your life both mental and physical how did you end up being the well adjusted.. all round good person that you are… so Fonzie… where ever you are… I think of you still… I think good thoughts… wish you well .. and remember the good times we had..

Uppie The Faithless.. who you knew as Dean..

IT'S BEEN 3 YEARS

Bet it’s been a while since you saw one of these… it’s been a while for me also… it’s not that things haven't been going on in my life … just that they have not been amusing or interesting… ie death, destruction and sickness… however it is not all bad… and if we all live long enough we get our turn at the bad stuff… I think with email passing through three or four upgrades, that I was not aware of, I lost half my contacts and all the structure I had around groups etc… so you lot are all I have left.. the detritus of a much larger group and maybe just the weirdo’s that tend to hang around….

Speaking of things weird… some of you will be aware of our trip to America…. six of us passing through Los Angeles, Mexico, Las Vegas and San Diego…. Really it was just a gambling holiday for my wife and I… accompanied by one son, daughter, nephew and a family friend by the name of “internet boy”… The other side of the trip for me was the cultural side and I found America better and worse than I expected… We stayed in West Hollywood which though handy to the underground and convenient was basically a slum in marked contrast to the wealth we viewed just up the road… We did Universal Studio’s by VIP, which, though it was expensive, made the day enjoyable… I did not feel guilty marching to the front of the queues and taking the best seats…     

We took the subway down to Longbeach with the vendors selling all sorts of stuff including drugs kept us amused and wary… then it was on the ship to Mexico where my gambling really started… I had a good run and all the spending money on our cruise was paid for with winnings.. The ship was fun and Mexico eye wateringly poor with things so cheap it beggared belief.. I handed out a fair bit of money to the beggars one reason I think for my gambling karma staying high…

“Hey, it’s Vegas baby” we heard used often as both shrug and apology.. and although Vegas has a lot to apologise for, I enjoyed the freedom from restriction and the 24 hour party atmosphere… The gambling was a bit tougher but I managed good wins to keep my head above water and won $2000 on the last night… though the bastards taxed me $400 of that… People of America our casino’s are cleaner they pay out more,(as they are legislated to pay out 80% of takings) and when you win no matter how much you put it in your pocket and walk out… San Diego was our last stop and we should have spent more time there… our visit to the USS Midway being the value visit of our trip….

Things to note… everything is so big in America.. including the food… I ordered a very nice vegetarian omelette for breakfast but it was twice the size I expected and came with pancakes.. thank god for the doggy bag…   second… everything is so cheap in America something I was not expecting… half price and even a third of the price compared to New Zealand…. but sadly for a first world country why do you have so many beggars on the streets …. something I never got used too… though I did learn to ignore them tastefully…

All in all thank you America for the fun and excitement… it made me appreciate home so much more….. maybe Canada next time…. as there was so much I would have liked to do but time did just not allow…

Cheers Uppie… 

Autobio

Greetings to you all.... It's been almost nine years since I first logged on and I am still grateful to that 21 year old girl from new York city who I first added to my friends list... (by mistake) who took the time to give a basic heads up about how the net worked and sent me in the direction of the Sanctuary... Susie's and eventually the Bootery... and promptly dumped me... most of you have been with me from the beginning.... I sort of sleazed onto you one by one with promises of sweet nothings... and nothings is what most of you have got... what I find amusing is that most of us are aging... well yes we are all aging but some of us are younger and are at different stages... we who are heading fifty plus are moving into the downhill side of life.. where the kids have grown and left home our sexual and life energies are depleted and we face a whole host of health problems as we rapidly decay... as for me I find this stage liberating because I do what and when I like... (only if Kiri lets me)... I do not feel the need to for fill others expectations of me (that includes my children's)... and I no longer feel the need to be attractive... ( if I ever fekkin was)... ( do not hesitate ladies to provide reassurance)... if only I could soften my cynical nature because it is tending to dominate my personality... to my detriment... I have never played the games that life demands of us... though I have tried to smile and nod at the right times just to keep people happy... parents, teachers, employers and the like... but now I just can't bite my tongue and I let them have it... a wanker is a wanker not matter how they are dressed or who they are... and bullshit is bullshit period...

On the physical we have had and earthquake and yes people have died.. but when you look over to Japan... well dam they know how to have a quake.... on the cynical side... the government in Japan is deliberately starving the people close to the reactor of petrol so that they cannot escape... it makes sense from a logistical point of view how could they deal with a million or so people all deciding to get in their cars and drive to Tokyo... however take note... your government expects you to stay put and die quietly... and do not think that the New Zealand, American or Canadian Government would react any better... Katrina anyone...

Thats all for now... as a last aside the Mother in laws cancer seems to be in remission at the moment... I was talking to her last night about it... and I did say make the most of the lull because she is starting to wonder if she even has it at all her health has been so good lately... the best thing is she has been gambling and winning... we gave her a golden Chinese cat with a waving paw and some Chinese writing on it... it's sposed to bring luck and I think it is...... I might send you a photo of it...

Last blonde Triplet daughter is going on holiday to China with her Chinese boyfriend... his parents have a house there... they are visiting Malaysia, Indonesia, Hong Kong, Macau and mainland China... lucky cow.... I wish I could relive my dissolute life but sadly this is it for me and also for you lot....

Good Night and Good Motoring..

us

Good evening... soon to be morning for me at least... as it is now 11.50... There is a young girl at work who is pregnant... well not that young... I must ask her her age... you know the type though... she is an HR Manager rather good looking in an odd sort of way... and has the management personality... young confident good looking and successful...

As is my wont I have been teasing her about it... and I made the comment that her pregnancy had changed her relationship with her husband... she asked me in what way... it got me thinking about it... relationships I mean... the thing about children is that ... yes they change your relationships with your partner your parents your other children... but most of all it changes your relationship with yourself... which got me thinking about all the other things that happen the death of parents the success or failure of work or marriage... the thing is life is all about relationships but the one you have with yourself is the most interesting and the one we work at the least... in fact we subsume the one we have with ourselves in deference to the relationships we have with others... no answers here I'm afraid... my message today is think about how you interact with yourself more specifically ego to id... there has to be a balance somewhere... I am convinced that achieving that balance between ego and id is the key to happiness...

oh and big breasts help also...

uppie rant

A lot of us here are sick of the Blobbit…. Even though I live in Matamata which is the home of Blobbiton… and we have a statue of Gollum in the middle of town… that every time I go past it, has people in front of it getting their photo taken… and we have bus tours out to the movie set… I say fuck Warner’s and fuck Peter Jackson take your movie to China and hire yourself a whole lot of slit eyed Blobbits and make your movie there on the cheap… I know we are all Mexicans with cell phones here but if we Kow Tow to every black mailing pirate corporation that wants more money and law changes to do business here.. Then we might as well be serfs doffing our caps to the master every time he spits in our face… Rant over…