You're a diahrrea-infected one....Mister Grinch....

A very merry christmas to you all... this is from someone who is the christmas grinch.. soon the christmas crap will be over for another year.. and I can get back to the ebb and flow of my normal life.. thankyou to all the cards you have sent me and do not expect any in return.. though one day I might suprise you all.. I might get some christmas spirit and and... nup forget it... there is not much to tell you about... probably what is not helping my mood is the fact that I have been sick for umm. six days now... what started out as a raging sore throat with general aching body and head ache... has moved through my body.. the sore throat was so bad my glands were bulging out the side of my neck.. even my teeth were aching... though the throat thing has faded the glands are still sore and my throat is raw... the bacteria causing this problem have moved further down the digestive tract.... saddly my anus is no longer a sphincter but is a discharge valve... yesterday it got stuck in the open position.. hence I'm now sitting at the computer having decided stuff work I have been going to work for four days sick... It's time for a sickie...I just wish the weather was abit better... ok enough of grumpy uppie.. I do sincerely wish you all the very best.. and I was really pissed when I realised I had missed the Bootery xmas party... I was in bed sleeping... sigh.. I understand Dolf and mech are getting married could I please have this confirmed by management.. oh thats right I was saying goodbye Goodbye

skinnyer then lynard skynard

OOOhhhh k... due to popular demand... well from some of you... it is I uppie with more news from the land down beside the land down under... My daughter did not get head girl status.. she got down to the last two and was interviewed for the position but the other bitch umm sorry the other candidate got the position... her name is Lorren Cresswell sounds very head girlish does it not... anyway I was dissapointed.. not for the loss of status.. but the loss of opportunity for growth that the position represented.. never mind... after my failure in the auckland marathon I have upped my training regime.. which means when I'm not on here I'm eating running or sleeping... next marathon is in rotorua in aprill... I'm even skinnyer than ever.. I don't like to look at photo's of myself no more... but I'm also fitter than ever compensation I spose.. ok time to go you all take care out there... and any naked photo's of yourselves feel free to post to me... ahh Jerk not you...

uppie

vomitting for fun & stature

Well everyone... after my performance... read in to this the lack of... while competing in the Aucland Marathon it maybe time to reconsider my devotion to the sport of self flagerlation by way of moving the feet often over long distance... this being the morning after however the pain is rapidly fading into the realm of the warm glow of accomplishment... for those of you that know Auckland the run takes from Devonport across the Harbour bridge.. this being the main reason for attempting the run... then through the central business district out around the bays to the turn around point back along the bays and through the business district to the finish... things were looking bad for me at the 28 k mark.. and by the 35 k mark I was had it and had come to the conclusion that I was not going to finish... by this time I had had three sit downs and was on my third and what I thought was my last total lay down head on hands totaly sprawled out on the grass.... sort of moaning and feeling sorry for myself... a combination of exhaustion, heatstroke and really just feeling sick had put an end to me.. my last grass flop was at about the 39 k mark which is really dpressing because it's only 3 k to the finish... however I was rescued by the ambulance people and after vomiting up all the water I had drunk during the run... I started to feel alot better and off I went again ... in fact I ran the last two K's to the finish... this was a hell of a suprise to me considering how sick I was before that I could not even stand up let alone walk... I think I was about third to last.. but the welcome you get as you stumble across the finish is amazing most distance runners understand what you go through and how hard you have to fight sometimes to make the finish...

just as an amusement for you... I'm running a virus scan using avg and microsoft spyware.. I regret to inform you that my comp has HIV bordering on full blown AIDs... something called Adware Generic BVB.. it does not sound too bad... but it seems to be in everything... When you have read this email I suggest you burn your computer...

best wishes to you all... uppie

the "headgirl" controversary

I just had to rush to the comp and let you guys know.... well I was examining my ass in the mirror... as you do... [ No, Only Fiend does that...] this is not something males do often... but it is a fact of human nature that all females are cognisant of... anyway I was not really examining my butt I was looking at my tan... as you know I sunbathe nekkid.. did you know you get two white triangles of flesh right where the tops of your thighs meet the cheeks of your ass... I had never noticed that before.. the other thing that has happened and I know you guys are rolling your eyes.. it's very boring for people to waa on about their own children... not nearly as interesting as my ongoing battle with the legion of sluggs sliding round my kitchen... however my other daughter.. not the prospective headgirl. [There's just something wrong about that phrase... ]. the sporty one [Does that mean Dike? ] has been selected for the National Youth Developement Squad for netball... the upshot of this being it puts her in the top 50 or so girls in the country in this sport... but the aim for these girls is to be selected to represent New Zealand at the world youth champs in 2009... it's a long way from that but it is the beginning... now ain't that a whole lot more interesting than snail trails round the kitchen... lastly I'm running in the Auckland Marathon this weekend so on sunday... thats saturday for you canadians... think of me and my sweatyness.... [I'd rather NOT picture you sweaty, thanks anyway... ]

Cheers Uppie Your chat god

Uppie talking about snail trails...LOL...perfect!!

Hmmm ... now what was I going to tell you all.. oh yes ... an update on the slug invasion.. as I have already told you... thats if you read my entertaining and enlightening dirge's .. I don't even know if thats a word or if it applies to this medium but I feel like a bit of a dirge... ok ok I hear you say.. back to the sluggs... as you know at first I thought it was one slugg crawling around and living on the crumbs on the kitchen floor... with four teenagers these crumbs are really a feast... and I must say a slugg can cover an aweful lot of ground overnight.. judging by the snail trails left in the morning... and although silvery and extensive they are very easy to clean up with no unpleasant odour or residue... well I thought it was one which I duely caught and threw outside... but the morning trails continued.. I have subsequently caught and thrown outside two more sluggs... of good size and obviously well fed... you'll note that I'm too soft to execute them... but this morning still more trail snails... oh by the way to effect capture means to get up in the wee hours to catch them when they are foraging.. and I have not the heart to use the snail poison on them.. but I'm starting to think that it is only one slugg and the bastard is sneaking back inside...

I remain Uppie The Faithless God To All Chat Ho's

do the hippy hippy shake

I just got back from my trip to Wellington last night... I attended the CTU conference as a delegate for the Dairy Workers Union... for those of you that do not live in New Zealand... and that is most of you... the CTU is the Union organisation that the Unions affiliate too to promote our political and national agendas... we have just elected a Labour Government in this country thats left wing to you Americans... so we went to a reception at parliment and hobb nobbed with the Prime Minister and her cronies... a group of us got invited down to the inner offices to party on... I got reasonably sloshed and spent the next day regreting it... the best thing I spose was eating out and not paying for it... the delegates to the conference ... numbering about 200... are a bunch of large ego union secretaries... organisers..
and political junkies which made for some interesting discussions... the organisation is also a magnet for lesbians queers and other assorted riff raff with adgendas to push.(imagine a whole bunch of Fiends all showing off their ass's) uppie just fitted right in there.. Wellington as a city is one that I really like because there are so many weird people there... think of Fiend again and a bunch of Jerks... we went out for dinner at this great resteurant called The Matterhorn.. the food was very good and the service professional... but all the staff were shaved head ..body pierced... tattoed faggots in army uniforms... all very pretty boys...I almost and I stress almost realised why faggots are gay... as usual I gambled as much and as often as I could and came home with an extra 60 dollars in my pocket... before& I came home this lady that I was traveling with and I
went and visited Te Papa which is our national museum... the day before they had had some peace protesters down there causing trouble... this woman I was with is a dreadlocked hippy type... sort of cool but straight people only see what they see... anyway there were three security gaurds at the door... well as we breezed in they sort of closed in on us... I did not realise what was going on and made the usual smart Uppie remarks... to the tune of ... " do you want to search our bags".. then we just carried on walking... It was not till later that I realised that they were serious... but that they did not have to nerve to pull us up...Dam in New Zealand we just do not put up with that security crap.. it's just such a safe country we live in... it never occured to me that we were on the verge of being arrested...
I hope it never comes to the point in this country where just because someone has dreadlocks and dress's sort of weird like that people automaticaly assumes you are dangerous...

Cheers Uppie your chat god (retired)

please excuse the spelling as my crappy spell check did not work

another day in the boring life of the southern Upsidedownia resident

Everytime I logg on lately I intend to send you all out an Uppie date ... but then I get distracted... usualy by someone female.... and well... you know how it goes... so today I'm going to try and let you know whats up in the world of Uppie... those of you with a modicum of attention span not devoted to your own navel or internet porn ... (fiend and guru) would know that it's almost summer here in New Zealand and this means it's swim season... as a referee it means a busy time for me... I spent all day at a swim meet today... the hightlight being that my daughter won the Skins race which is where they race over 25 meters again and again untill there are only two swimmers left (the losers keep dropping out) it's a feat of endurance and speed.... then the winner takes all the prize being $200.. she was most pleased with this and the two daughters have gone out to 10 pin bowling for the night... she did shout me a coco cola drink...hmmmm. I had a meeting yesterday where I was in the running for a trip to South America... specificaly seven days in Buenos Aries.. if that is spelt right.. I missed out on this but I was given a three day trip to a conference in Wellington instead not as adventurous as South America but very interesting for me personaly... a week or two ago my wifes brother had a heart attack which meant the four sisters got together at our place then we ferried them up to Auckland along with the mother to visit him on his deathbed.. (so to speak)... he was in a pretty bad way and had had an operation to open up his arteries.. but the sisters being what they are sat around his bed cackling and laughing (along with a few tears) and making jokes and snide remarks at his expense... it reminded me of the Bootery in full flight.. he is going to be ok and is alot better as I type this... ok thats enough crap... I miss you all alot and it would be nice to know which of you have me blocked and deleted... or are you really getting mail from me after all these years and reading it... are you stupid.....
Cheers for now Uppie

Kids are messy and noisy and dirty filthy creatures...

ok people this will have to be a short one as the teenage triplets want the comp for homework...
yanno I really love my life ... living in rural New Zealand is just fantastic.. I was driving home the other day from work... my factory is out in the country as is my home... and the sun was shining the scenery was as usual fantastic.. it was back country roads all the way which means no traffic... I thought ... god has been good to me... however the rising tide of household filth is starting to wear on me... having four teenagers means a constant round of cleaning and the problem is you never get on top of it no matter how fast you work or how hard you try... and what a teenage boys bum can do to a toilet only a bottle of bleach can dissolve... talking of the teenage boys bum... it's him thats nagging me to get off the computor....
I will get back to you as soon as possible all the best from Uppie.

New Zealand Graduations

well people the school ball has been and gone... in a whirls of hairdo's, makeup and endless fussing punctuated by screams and snarls... usually at me when i tried to proffer good advice... i did not comment on the overdone makeup.. nor did i say " it makes you look fat".. i took endless photo's but that was not good enough for the wife... so she ordered another eighty dollars worth from the professional photographers taken at the ball... we dropped the girls at a preball party... then when to the venue to await their arrival... it was like movie stars arriving at a premier... girls we have known since kindergarten... done up and strutting... the boys cutting a dash in suited finery.. they all looked so good poor old uppie started feeling nostalgic and missing his youth.. i would love to send out some photo's of the triplets all dolled up.. however someone will have to teach me how to do it... as i have tried and tried but so far with a distinct lack of success...

i remain yours... uppie the faithless... chat god ( retired )

Boredom & schmaltz

greetings to all and sundry who still tune in to uppie's adventures inside his own brain... uppie's view of his reality bears no resemblance what so ever to that reality... however in his own words....

hi all... it's been a busy last couple of weeks, as my Canadian friends sleep, snug and mostly alone in their beds, i will recount for you the tedium of my existence... it is a dark and stormy night here the wind howls around the house and rain squalls wash across the roof intermittently... the last couple of weekends have been spent in Auckland, which is about two and a half hours away by car, watching one of my daughters play age group net ball against the best teams in the country.... they have been getting thrashed mostly so this has been sort of a slow torture.. with hours of boring driving on either side of the afore mentioned event... however big girls in very short skirts has been of some recompense...

the last week i spent in Rotorua, which is the cultural capital of New Zealand and a must stop on the tourist trail.... i was attending the annual congress of the Dairy Workers Union.. this is where all the site delegates get together for a bit of rest and recreation, education oh and booze and food... there are about seventy five of us staying in the hotel... this hotel is also host to busloads of American and Canadian kids who seem to do the whole tourist thing... whenever i hear the canadian accent i cannot resist asking which part they are from and have they heard of the fiend... we have a number of speakers from local politicians to a consultant on international relations... it is also where we discuss proposed changes to the rules and policy of our organization... it's a week i enjoy because i am mixing with intelligent people who more importantly share the same political and social views that i have... well mostly anyway.. on a personal level... well there is the food and the booze... but the best part is i do not have to go to work or go home... ( it is the only holiday i get ) ... there are women to flirt with ( no touching of course ) places to gamble.. ( i lost all my money ) ... and i returned home refreshed and ready to resume the burdon of everyday life... oh i forgot to mention that i got myself elected to the national executive, this body being charged with the day to day running and the financial performance of the Union.. i continued my campaign for election to the post of president.. this position becoming vacant in a years time... i take note that this email is very dry... but i'm feeling rather dry at the moment...

in closing i would say that i miss you all especially the ones i have not had contact with for ages... some of you know each other and some of you know none of my other contacts.. hi to you clariece i hope you are still well and happy... annie i miss your warm persona that fairly glowed from the screen... in fact all of you that have touched my life in various ways.. i know that we move on and have no real point of contact and in fact nothing of relevance to say to each other .. but i hope you remember me with the affection that i do you.. ( especially for you beaklit ).. ok enough schmaltz... as you know this is uppie and all titty flashes will be gratefully received..

i remain as always uppie the faithless

whipped and loving it

this is going to be a sort of rambling uppie thing.... with no punctuation crappy grammar.. in other words just the usual shit typed in a hurry behind the wife's back...it's also late... a couple of weeks back we loaded up the truck and went to Auckland... yes the okauia hill billies went to the big city.. ostensibly to purchase gowns for the girls as they are about to attend their college ball... in reality it was an excuse for uppie and Mrs. uppie to gamble the night away at the casino.... which we did till two in the morning.... we left the triplets at Kiri's sisters place... lucky we were staying there as Kiri's sister had woke us up the next morning... dragging our weary and bleary asses out of bed.... after a quick shower and breakfast.. we loaded up the van with aunty triplets and cousins .. oh and phonebook for dress shop addresses and headed into town... this was my first shopping trip with women.. i tell you all now it is also my last... girl tries on dress.. girl asks father what he's thinks... father says yes buy that one... girls starts to um and err... aunty turns up with another 5 more 1000 dollars dresses to try on... after an hour of this father starts staring wistfully at the cozy little casino bar across the street... then and i mean an " oh for gods sake " then ... we drive across town to restart the whole process at another dress shop.. then another.. then it's lunchtime at some mall which luckily does not have a suitable dress shop... and sadly no casino bar... by this time i'm punch drunk... i throw my wallet at the women and plead.. " buy something "... " anything "... and after another 3 hours they do... i must say the girls look good and it only cost 800 dollars for the two dresses... though they are one time wear dresses... it was then dump the triplets with the cousins.. and aunty and kiri and i went back to the casino to try and recoup last nights losses and pay for the dresses.. which thankfully... although we did not win enough to pay for the dresses we got back our losses and won a couple of hundred which paid the weekends food and petrol expenses... the last funny thing that happened at the casino was.. well i ballsed up the parking ticket and had to return to the casino to get it fixed while the women waited in the car fuming.. you know how women are... anyway being the gambling addict i am i could not resist dropping some coins in a machine that said "play me"... as you know all machines say this.. anyway after two spins the bastard gave me another 130 dollars.. i cashed this and then ran out of the place... the 130 buckaroos placated the fuming women... then it was drive all night to return too the green acres we call home..... i will repeat for all you women and for all you men to take note of.. do not get dragged into a shopping trip for dresses for women by women... enlist.. go to war... anything..
cheers uppie

"Wear a thong" *kinda* ryhmes with "marathon". don't it?

I was lying in bed sick... the phone rang... it rang some more... fek it would not stop ringing.. I rolled out of bed in a wave of nausea... it was some man asking for my wife by her official name... meaning it was someone from the police... tax department... or any asshole beauracrat... "no ... she is at work " I replied... he must have been able to tell from my tone that i was not happy... cause he hung up in my ear... I crashed back into bed... crap too fekking late... can't get back to sleep... so here I am annoying you lot...
I ran the marathon last weekend.. I got to the 30 k mark in 2 hours 57 minutes.. I know this cause there is a huge digital clock which told me so... it then took me 2 hours and 8 minutes to complete the last 12 k's.... despite being fitter than last year the crash when it came was alot worse.. in fact it was so bad that I thought I was not going to be able to stagger across the finish line... the only thing that made me get there was the t-shirt that you get for finishing... never mind there is always next year... when I got home instead of resting up the wife and I went to the casino and gambled till three in the morning... starting out with two hundred dollars I twice got down to my last twenty dollar note... and worked my cash reserve back up to two hundred plus.. I ended up walking out with one hundred and thirty which was very frustrating considering how much effort I had put in.... just like the marathon there is always next time...
as an aside.. if there are any of you out there that want me to chop you off my mail list please advise... as i only want to irritate those nearest and dearest...
ciao for now and my best wishes to you all... especialy the female ones

use.... less.... stupid... period spacing...

I wrote a huge uppiedate and then attempted to save it to draft. However, I lost it. As you will have noticed by now I am attempting to write with full punctuation. This is because Fiend, in all his wisdom, decided to blogg my emails and some asshole, I think his name was John, said my dot, dot dot, pauses were stupid. Well suck shit asshole. Lets get to the real subject matter which is the Triplets birthday. What started out as a simple family lunch and a teenage boozy frolic in the evening turned into lunch for one hundred (we had seating for eighty) and about seventy teens turned up to drink the night away. Thank God for family, we put down a hangi, this is where you dig a hole in the ground, about thigh deep, light a big fire to heat a whole pile of rocks, dump the rocks in the hole, put the meat and vegetables you wish to roast in a basket, lower the basket onto the rocks, cover with cloth and wet sacks, cover with earth, then dig it up two hours later and eat. Prepare a whole lot of seafood salads, chowders, and yummy tidbits and you have a feast to feed the masses. The feature for me though was the pineapple pie, it would have made Fluffies toes curl, I thought of you hun when I ate it. As you would realize the preparation and execution of this event was a monumental drain on Uppie's financial and personal resources. I gave a speech which had my sensitive daughter sobbing (this was most discombobulating in front of a crowd) and later that night, in fact the next morning as I tucked the drunken slitch into bed, she gave me slobbery kisses and told me how much she loved me even though she does not show it much. I must say i disengaged myself from her vomit breathed charms assuring her that I new this. As for the party it went well, the behavior was exceptional, not even any ugly drunk type stuff, I only had one vomiting comatose drunk that I had to make sure kept breathing through the night. I thought of you Fiend as I fulfilled this duty. I turned off the music at twelve thirty and told them all to bugger off, which they did with good grace, though it took till three in the morning to get the last of them away. I thought I would sleep in, however I was up at five the next morning, to check on comatose drunken vomit boy, he reminded me again of Fiend, so I decided to start cleaning up. This activity continued for the next three days. In closing all I can say is thank god it's over. Next up is the twenty first, luckily I get a five year rest before that one. Oh and John you faggot does this pass muster you punctuation nazi.

excuses excuses excuses

greetings to you all... the long and the short and the tall.... the fat and the thin ones... the old and the young ones... enough enough already... as most of you will have noticed uppie has not been online alot lately... in fact not at all really... the reasons for this is... manyfold... but to give you all the short story... I am very busy getting the house ready for the triplets 16th birthday... oh my god... sigh sigh and dammit sigh... it seems to have grown like topsy... lots of family from all over the country have decided to turn up.. I have been painting cleaning and repairing the house... buying party tents.... arranging food.. it's only 10 days to go.. hell have not even worked out the booze side of it... it's been a night and day effort and I'm still not at a point where I think I'm ready for the influx of hungry people.... obviously I will give you all the gossip once the party is over...